Cosplay Beautiful Breast Idol -- Nao Oikawa Part One

Terror is the soup of the day!Overview: If you're like me then you spend your days and nights hoping and praying for powerhouse of Japanese porn Nao Oikawa to team up with oddball porn studio Million to make a cosplay DVD. If you're also like me then your prayers have been answered because it turns out "Cosplay Beautiful Breast Idol - Nao Oikawa" is not the public health video on fetal alcohol syndrome you might have thought it to be when walking past it at whatever sort of crazy video store would rent movies like this. Instead of having babies with crazy heads being thrown in dumpsters it has THE Nao Oikawa dressed up as various anime and TV show characters having sex with men who act frightened.

Good old Nao dons five different costumes and of them I have only a vague sense of recognition of one. Since I don't speak Far Eastern I had to assume that in each of the five scenes she acts like the character she is dressed up as. These characters range from a straightforward Space Navy Officer all the way to the much more confusing Alien Bike Courier. Dressing up and doing a little bit of sexual roleplaying would be more than enough to tide over an American production about nurses or cheerleaders, but in Japan they like to go all the way. In this movie "going all the way" means tossing bizarre sex acts into the mix, because hey, if we're going to make a movie catering to people who get off on women dressed up as fictional characters we might as well make things even more specific by adding enemas and weird sex machines.

In future columns we will generally focus only on the most outrageous, bizarre, or hilarious scenes that a particular movie has to offer. However, "Cosplay Beautiful Breast Idol -- Nao Oikawa" is just so chock full of bizarre and horrifying scenes that I intend to cover all five in excruciating detail. This column you get the first two scenes, the next I will round out the final triumvirate of terror.

Scene One: "Smoking in the Boys Ramu"

I mean honestly, what green haired demonic sailor girl doesn't stand on a desk in an abadoned classroom?The first scene revolves around a green-haired demon girl or something who wears tiger patterned undergarments that she doesn't take off even during intercourse. The scene opens as you would expect, with the green haired demon girl wearing a sailor moon type school girl uniform and standing on top of a desk in an empty classroom. Not completely empty though as there's an unshaven and easily frightened man sitting at one of the desks and menacing him with her green hair is apparently topping demon girl's agenda. She vamps around and seduces him by licking his shirt repeatedly and scratching at his nipples, two things topping the list of any normal guy's turn-ons. For his part the unshaven guy makes horrified faces since no Japanese porno would be complete without at least one victim. The guy pours sweat and there's some slightly gross making out before demon girl decides not enough progress is being made and breaks out the huge vial of corn syrup.

I'm not sure what it's supposed to be, probably some kind of sex drug or something. Whatever it is she upends about half a cup of the stuff into the guy's mouth and then chugs it messily herself. It's not a particularly appealing sequence unless you're hot for women who have trouble feeding themselves and if that's the case I can suggest a number of mental handicap documentaries that would probably better meet your needs. Once good old sloppy finishes off the slime we get to see possibly the most grotesque kissing ever put on digital video. Demon girl and the scared hobo do everything short of licking each other's eyes and we get to see it all in close-ups so intense the guy's ingrown facial hairs look like gravel pits. Throw in a nice sheen of corn syrup and a whole lot of drool and you've got a recipe for Japanese success.

Mmmm...I'd love to see her eat ribs!This goes on far too long before demon girl decides to lose her Slimeslut Navy Uniform and strips down to just her predatory cat themed underwear. She then produces another vial of the corn syrup and, joy of joys, we get even more making out this time building to a crescendo of syrup being dumped all over the guy's concave chest. Demon girl puts her tongue to great use here working the slime into a disgusting froth around her mouth that reminds me of those insect egg sacs you sometimes see around ponds. Eventually she strips off the guy's pants leaving his slime-stained underwear in place and grinds him high school style for an exasperatingly long time.

After about five minutes of this crap greenie breaks out yet another vial of the slime and decides to renovate the guy's chest bowl with another liberal application of corn syrup. This continues until she reaches his underwear at which point she dumps a magically refilled vial of the crap all over his crotch and massages it in. Soon after the mosaic finally crops into view and it's a pretty heavy duty one providing the viewer with some respite from the slime. As she manhandles him you can occasionally catch sight of another slime tube getting deployed but thankfully the specifics of its use are left to the imagination. Normally I would assume my imagination could dream up worse things than what is actually going on but given the involvement of the Japanese I seriously doubt I have the creativity to trump them.

Okay cut it out with the tongue, you're drooling all over my good shirt.Demon girl spends a good chunk of time doing a hot dog examination with her tongue behind the privacy of the mosaic before she gives the greasy hobo a taste of her own private Idaho. This part is pretty conventional and not really worth going into detail on other than the fact that both of them are, by this point, so sweaty and slime covered that they look like extras from the end of Ghost Busters II. With about three minutes left on the clock, demon girl straddles the unkempt hobo and rides him across the finish line. When his sprays of semen emerge from the shadowy nether region of the mosaic it's a welcome exclamation mark to one of the least appealing pieces of pornography I've seen.

The Horror: The inclusion of slime in this scene, not to mention the sheer volume of it, probably addresses some fetish somewhere that I've never heard of. It appears relentlessly and gets used in every possible position, yet it is still outclassed by the grotesque kissing scene. Folks, if you ever happen to direct a porno, here's a little advice: do not instruct your actors to lick each other's faces like puppies for ten minutes while you zoom in on capillaries and dust mites on their cheeks. If you absolutely must do this then leave slime out of the equation because that just increases the horror to completely unacceptable levels.