Sexy Beach 2

Rika enjoys and inflated friend in the pool. Perhaps a bit too much.Game Concept: I admit it, I enjoyed "Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball". Even though that Xbox title embodied everything popular in Japan that I'm constantly worried will become popular in America, I bought it and liked it. There was something refreshing to me about a game that over the top with sexuality without ever crossing the line and becoming about sex itself. It was bright, cheerful, and fun to play even if I felt a little bit ashamed while playing it. Yes, my girlfriend would roll her eyes the minute she heard "nice spikeu!" or "Tina!" come out of our TV and I think she half expected to walk into the room and find me with my pants around my ankles. That's okay; I realize my job is reviewing Hentai games so I don't have a lot of dignity to start with here.

"Sexy Beach 2" is the game that about half of the people who went and bought "DoA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball" actually wanted. It features high polygon models, advanced breast physics, and a variety of swimsuits for you to play sexy dolls with. Where "Xtreme Beach Volleyball" stopped just shy of showing nudity, "Sexy Beach 2" is willing to regularly reveal the breasts of its characters. More than that the goal of the game is to ogle, massage, and otherwise sexually harass the characters in the game until they relent and have sex with you. It's the kind of fun that can really bring the whole family together around the computer screen and dare I say it - is an almost good Hentai game.

Youko reads the classics.The game has its share of problems and I would be remiss if I didn't bring them to your attention. First and foremost this game was a huge pain in the ass to get set up. This is not actually the fault of the developers, since the copy I was playing was a warezed two disc ISO, but for those of you who seek it out after reading this review; be prepared. I applied no less than five different patches and two of them required me to use some weird manual editor that was in Japanese. This supposedly translated the game to English but one patch seemed to fuck up another patch and vice versa. This won't affect the score I give the game but for those looking to beat off to polygonal nipples steer clear; you will lose all interest in masturbation by the time you have the game running.

The graphics on the models are for the most part excellent, but the backdrops are often either extremely bland or even oddly messed up in appearance. This might be because they use textures roughly as high res as the walls in the first dungeon of "The Legend of Zelda". The developers also got pretty lazy with the shadows. I know it seems like a small complaint but it is a bit strange to see one of the girls on the beach with a shadow when other objects either don't have shadows or arbitrarily lose them.

"Sexy Beach 2" lets you move the camera around a lot. You can swing back for a wide shot or zoom in close enough to see the rough edges on the models. Unfortunately, this leads to problems because when the girls move around the camera sometimes ends up inside their skull or torso, providing you with a creepy backstage view of their teeth.

She never hits the melon. Ever.Those of you looking for anything resembling gameplay in this title will be sorely disappointed. It's basically a collage of sex-related mini-games and scenarios where the girls play around on the beach or at the pool and you just watch them. Combined these two types of interaction add up to a gameplay experience that makes the awkward volleyball and gift giving of "DoA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball" look like the epic roleplaying saga of our generation. There is not a whole lot to do other than reload the game over and over with the girls in different bathing suits; a criticism I would level against "DoA" and level even more against "Sexy Beach 2". There is a natural progression to increasingly involved sex scenes but with the giant mosaics even the most desperate to hump polygons among us will find the game lacking.

The censoring in the game is a bit perplexing. None of the girls have genitalia, yet when you play one of the molestation minigames huge mosaics cover up everything. Even if the hot-spot is just near their nonexistent genitals the game throws out a giant mosaic that usually doesn't even cover the disembodied hand squeezing their ass cheek. In a way I'm glad because I have a feeling I would find a polygonal vagina pretty disconcerting, on the other hand the mosaics are so massive that they can be pretty annoying.

There are six women you can accompany to the island and the game provides you with a brief biography on each. I will reproduce their biographies here and add my own comments so you can get a feel for which you would most like to take a vacation with.

Uesagi Reona

Measurements: B.74 W.56 H.80 163cm

Favorite Food: Crab

Least Favorite Food: Fermented Soybeans

Reona's Comments: "I don't have much confidence in myself. But, when I'm with you, maybe I can change."

My Comments: "I can see why you would have self-esteem issues what with the fact that you look like an eight year old boy. Seriously Reona, I've seen more curvaceous carpenter's levels at construction sites. You've got the chest of a concentration camp victim, the ass of someone who had a tragic accident with a banana peel and a table sander, and the face of one of the aliens from 'Communion'. Seek plastic surgery followed by intensive psychological therapy, not a leopard print two-piece and a rape vacation to the Bahamas with me."

Mimato Chisame

Measurements: B.72 W.54 H.78 153cm

Favorite Food: Chocolate ice cream

Least Favorite Food: Horseradish

Chisame's Comments: "Humph! I'll gladly play with you. But, if you try anything, I'll kick your sorry arse so hard you'll kiss the moon!"

My Comments: "Okay Chun-Li, calm it down for me. You make Reona look positively Rubanesque and your sporty shtick is pretty old. I mean seriously, you look like a toothpick, and just because a rat can squeeze into any space it can get its head in doesn't mean we have to start calling you Sammy Sosa. Besides, you weren't acting all high and mighty last night when I slid my creepy disembodied hand into the mosaic danger zone between your legs."

Kisaragai Mai

Measurements: B.80 W.56 H.78 158cm

Favorite Food: Any cream stuffed dessert

Least Favorite Food: Shellfish (because of food poisoning)

Mai's Comments: "Bro…Come to the southern region of the island with me. If we play together, you can watch me dance."

My Comments: "Listen up Ghetto Fabulous, we're not going anywhere until you explain to me why you have realistic Asian facial features and these other broads either look American or like the love child of a seal and a satellite dish. When lumpy, sticks, and pie-eyes over there decide to rationalize all of this for me then we can talk about heading to the southern region of the island."

Iijima Rika

Measurements: B.86 W.58 H.85 165cm

Favorite Food: Chocolate dessert

Least Favorite Food: Dry fruit

Rika's Comments: "Hello…The south island us really beautiful. But if we go together, I'm sure it'll be even more splendid."

My Comments: "You had me at 'chocolate dessert' baby. I've got a nice, thick, hot slice of cocoa taffy tube for you and your stereotypical anime schoolgirl friends to enjoy. Of all the girls you're the only one who doesn't have either gigantic breasts or the body of an adolescent boy. That earns points I guess."

Kiriyuu Youko
Measurements: B.96 W.60 H.86 163cm

Favorite Food: Sushi

Least Favorite Food: Spicy South Korean vegetables

Yuoko's Comments: "Let's roam the south island that extends into the distance. While the waves splash, as if calling out to someone."

My Comments: "Hold on there Walt Whitman, your eyes are staring straight into my soul and I'm beginning to think you missed your casting call as 'evil destructive glow' in the movie 'Repo Man'. What the hell is up with that fucking bathing suit anyway? Did you fall face first into a giant pile of Post-It Notes or what?"

Baeru Arutarausu

Measurements: B.94 W.60 H.85 166cm

Favorite Food: Your raw, creamy dessert

Least Favorite Food: Peas

Yuoko's Comments: "I'm not proud of playing excessively. But for you, I'll make an exemption."

My Comments: "Blue hair? Check. Bizarre last name full of vowel sounds? Check. Comically huge chest? Check. Looks like you've got it all Arootaroosoo! I hope you're ready for me to play excessively the fuck out of you. Only, what's this, you've got almost normal human eyes? This game continues to puzzle me."

Each girl has roughly 60 or so bathing suits that can be unlocked by spending more and more days with her on the island. The suits run the gamut from normal bathing suits, lingerie style outfits, and barely-there collections of straps all the way to bizarre swimsuits made out of bandages, scraps of paper, and even a three piece made from leaves that makes Yuoko look like she has spinach wedged up her ass. A number of the bathing suits are either transparent or essentially topless, without anything even covering the nipples. There are also a number of accessories, although for some reason these consist mostly of various types of reading glasses, leaving out sunglasses entirely. The huge bunny ears are fun to put on them because it looks so incredibly stupid.She never goes up for air. Merwoman or vampire, you make the call.When you select the girl to accompany to the island you will have the option to visit the "Pool", the "Hotel", or the "Beach". Choosing the Pool and Beach options randomly selects a scenario from one of a small number with a unique scenario for each girl. These are basically non-interactive and very reminiscent of "DoA". The girls jump rope, read books, or play in the pool while you move the camera around to get a good view. For those in need of a hands off approach you can set the camera to swoop around automatically while you commit whatever filthy sin you had in mind. The Hotel location is just where you save the game.

After a couple days you will start having "special events" with the girls that ramp up from ogling to outright sex. The ogling involves you clicking on various locations on the girl's body while she squeals and tries to cover herself up. A day later you'll be eliciting a similar response by clicking the same locations and "massaging" them. After that it's on to the creepy disembodied limbs. You can squeeze breasts, buttocks, and crotches with a detached hand or lick these same locations with either a floating tongue or oversized pair of lips. Once the game delves into this stuff it stops being titillating at all and starts becoming really weird and awkward.

A-cha-cha, delicious!Eventually you'll wind up in the hotel room or some other location having sex with a girl, at which point you have to stimulate her with the Addam's Family until she's ready for intercourse. When you get to this point a faceless man appears and starts humping away at your beck and call. As you repeatedly move the mouse around to keep the motion in the ocean an arousal meter will gradually fill. When it does you'll get to make the awesome decision of where to ejaculate and the game will briefly show a single pre-rendered and censored image of your gal pal covered in digital baby-to-be.

Difficulty: The game really isn't hard at all. It takes a long time to unlock all of the bathing suits and sex scenes (you can replay them in the extras) but this isn't that hard since you can quickly bypass most of the days by just ending scenes immediately. About the only thing that kept me from falling asleep during these exercises in repetitious clicking were Arutarausu's magnificent breasts. I've got to hand it to the developers, they really knocked themselves out with those two, and even my jaded self bordered on arousal during a couple sequences. As an added bonus she has one of the more realistic faces in the game allowing you to suspend your disbelief that much more easily.

OH GOD THAT'S SO HOT!Defining Moment: There were actually a lot of things that made me laugh at how stupid this game is, but none tops Chisame with her Chun-Li buns combined with giant rabbit ears trying to act sexy in the shower. The amount of horrible polygon clipping and surreal imagery combined to form a real chucklefest for me. Next to this moment I'd probably go with any of the scenes involving disembodied hands or mouths. They're just downright creepy.

Final Thoughts: I'm not going to kid you, I enjoyed playing parts of this game, although I didn't enjoy playing it thoroughly for the review. The developers did a damn good job on modeling some of the characters, and even though they lack the quality of the "DoA" models they're still well done. The nudity was amusing in the same way it's amusing in any number of screwball comedies, but where the game falls apart is in the sex department. It's an inept and disconcerting sex simulator and the hardcore scenes - censored though they are - go a long way to curb any appeal this game would have for non-sicko gamers. On top of that the game is ridiculously shallow, with little to hold your interest aside from seeing the same girls doing the exact same things day after day. It almost worked, it's just too bad their concept of replacing the volleyball and bathing suits with nudity and hardcore sex spawned mini-games so fucking creepy.