Zenra Ballet 2

Spin you beautiful bastard! Spin!!I am an idea man. My job description very frequently involves taking ideas - often bad ones - and turning them into fleshed out articles. The world of pornography also has idea men, and some of these dreamers came up with the plan to film a ballet with real ballerinas and whatever the male version of a ballerina is dancing, prancing, and fucking like Paris Hilton on a misplaced video cassette. Admittedly, if my idea train suddenly switched rails from crappy Internet articles to pornography ballet would probably not top the list. Maybe that's why these guys are making the big bucks in Nippon and I'm sitting here in front of a computer grinding cigarettes into an ashtray that looks like a blooming onion and smells like a cat's asshole.

Instead of my pet project "Bobcat Goldthwaite's Harem of Horrors" you get a second installment of "ballet with release" aptly titled "Zenra Ballet 2". This ballet begins with a fairly normal stage setting. A number of ribald gents are gathered in the background while a pirate in white tights and two foppish dandies in Crazy 88 masks prance around and toast with plastic goblets. After several minutes of the dance version of mime the fops retreat to the background and a beautiful queen enters and does airport landing hand-signals in fast motion. I have not seen many ballets and I was not aware that they normally incorporated turbo sign language as part of their dance routines.

Queenie wraps up her chop-chop show and ballet pirate and the fops get back to some more good old fashioned prancing. This continues for a few minutes before tutu-wearing harlots enter from stage right to hussy up the show with a provocative dance routine. Later that night, in a foggy and dark version of the set, the hussies are back only this time they are naked! I know; my monocle flew off too!

Things really start to heat up when the clothes come off.The hussies finish out their naked dance and the queen hussy dressed in white and wearing a white mask enters to do the lambada with the recently-arrived ballet pirate. She's mostly naked, he's mostly not, and their dance is pretty conventional other than the whole nudity thing which is already starting to become passé.

Back in Queenie's court a series of female dancers strut their stuff for the matriarch and her attending ballet pirate. After all of the women have strutted for the queen a final entrant appears, decked out in black feathers and frills, and wows the onlookers to such an extent that they can do nothing but vacate the premises while ballet pirate locks her in a carnal embrace. The sex part is relatively mundane, with the requisite terrible kissing, some oral sex performed by both parties, and a touch of ham-handed groping. What makes this scene special is the ballerina, who stretches, splits, and generally twists herself into a number of uncomfortable positions during the sex act. It's not quite on par with a contortionist, but it's painful-looking enough for me to not want to ever try making time with a ballet dancer.

As is the usual for Japanese porn the actress makes absolutely no effort towards masking her complete disgust with the proceedings and the actor, amazingly, lies almost motionless throughout the entire scene. Maybe there is something I missed going on during all that dialogue that didn't happen earlier, because he looks to me like he's suffering from injury-related paralysis. One rip-roaring good humping later and the ballerina's head-hole once again descends to catch a burst of flavor and then cough it up into her hand for later use in DNA matching.

Let the games begin!Meanwhile, in the dark and spooky night time set, an evil and mysterious man in a black mask and his hooded henchmen are assaulting several bound women as well as the woman in white from the first naked dance scene. This quickly degenerates into rough humping, cries of displeasure, and the assembly-line like efficiency of your average bukkake sequence. Men walk up, blast some briny mirth across her face, and retreat back into the shadows to be replaced by another hooded wanker with six chambers of still fully loaded. The bound women in the background don't really get much action, which I guess makes this the first porno I've seen to actually have the fluffers appear as characters.

The white ballerina wakes up surrounded by her nude, arm waving, female helpers. She is soon joined by a shirtless ballet pirate who begs forgiveness, I think because the evil black feathered duck guy was able to rape her and her chums because he was seduced by the evil black feathered woman in the queen's court. Jesus, I don't know, I'm interpreting pornographic ballet here so cut me some slack.

White ballerina woman apparently accepts his apology and seeks the healing powers of his penis as a balm to her rape-shattered psyche. Following a nearly tearful and panting encounter with ballet pirate that ends with an almost shocking lack of cum shot the pair magically redress and do an actual dance. Thus ends the odyssey into pornographic ballet, but I have learned several things from Zenra Ballet 2 that I would like to share with you.

Thing I Have Learned From Sex Ballet:

• Never have sex with a ballerina. She will spend the entire time twisting and turning and contorting herself into positions they use to test astronauts for crash landings.
• Ballet does not really become more entertaining when half of the prancing is replaced with bukkake.
• Bukkake does not really become more erotic when you add a ballet theme to it.
• Ballet pirate loves to fuck. Ballet fops; not so much.
• Once a woman has been raped and coated in semen against her will the first thing she wants to do after being reunited with her lover is have sex again. Take that Kobe Bryant defense!
• I have not seen this much rape in a ballet since Baryshnikov's infamous 1983 performance of "The Nutcracker" during which he sexually assaulted three dancers and a papier-mâché soldier.
• Professional dancers cry a lot when they're filming a pornographic movie.

*SOB* I wanted to be a pitcher, not a belly-itcher.There is a commentary track on the DVD which is in Japanese and therefore about as useful to me as a chair made out of water. There is also a behind the scenes feature that shows some of the foibles of filming the sexy ballet like the fact that almost every actress/dancer bursts into tears at some point. While this is much more emotionally honest than the robotic star interviews you usually see in US porno DVD features, I'm not sure career despair is the kind of emotional honesty you really want in pornographic material.

The Horror: There really wasn't a lot of horror to be had in this one. Bukkake is always gross, and maybe eight or nine years ago I would have listed it as horror. Now I can say that the bukkake sequence in this was mild by bukkake standards and fuck do I regret being able to reference the standards of bukkake. Zenra Ballet 2 may lack horror but it has weirdness in spades. I could see doing naked ballet, but actually having your ballet dancers have sex on stage is pretty over the top. Couple that with the behind the scenes footage of the dancers weeping and you have a recipe for the surreal that is possibly matched only by IKU.

Bottom Line: Zenra Ballet 2 is an interesting idea but as someone who has absolutely no enthusiasm for normal ballet this movie got really boring really fast. Maybe if they had the best ballet dancers doing incredible acrobatic stunts all of the dancing could have kept me entertained, but I doubt even that. This movie is for people who like ballet and want to see ballet dancers having sex. It is not for your average porno enthusiast nor is it for your average ballet enthusiast.