Kingdom Come, submitted by Mogz. Who the hell do these guys think they are? Why the hell would anybody want to pretend they're trapped inside a roleplaying game? I am Grublor Muldoon, the barkeep of This Ye Olde Tavern located here in majestic Fort Castle Inn Keep, the last remaining outpost of civilization perched on the edge of The Plains of Eternal Suffering and General Unpleasantness, and let me tell you guys something, living inside a roleplaying game is the most horrible torture in the world. Day after day I have to recite the same blurbs of useless speech while quoting the price for ale and mead and pacing back and forth behind a large brown rectangle. Does this sound appealing to you? Is your dream job based in painful repetition and monotony? If so, I guess you'll want to join the Kingdom Come group of gothic duncecaps, a bunch of depressing dullards who spend their free time pretending they're angels and devils and VNV Nation band members.
First, believe me when I tell you that I am sorry that you had to awaken like this. Your Reckoning was abrupt. I hope that you can forgive me.
I'm sure you have a thousand questions but no more significant than what happened back there. I am not one to mince words, so I will tell you plainly. You were attacked by demons. They must have sensed what you really were and thus, you were a target of their assault. It was only fortune which allowed me to be in the area at that time.
I know that you think this all must be madness. But the seed which is inside you has opened, and with it, comes the instinctual knowledge that what you were attacked by, was a horde of demons. You know, despite having never met me, that we are brethren. You realize, perhaps with a sudden sinking feeling, that the world as you know it, isn't quite what you thought it was.
I will endeavor to explain what you are. What I am. And what the truth is about what is going on. It's a long story. It will make sense only if you listen. Only if you accept. Please become comfortable. This won't be easy.
Have you read the Bible? It's not entirely accurate, but it's a very good start...
So these guys and gals dress up in black leather and run around public places for some convoluted explanation they call "fun." Hey, here's a fun idea: how about you DON'T dress up in all leather and you DON'T go out in public and you DON'T pretend like you're an angel fighting a demon? Wouldn't that be great? Or, even better yet, if you're absolutely so gung-ho about being in a role-playing game, you can come over here to Ye Olde Tavern and take over my shift for the next 63 years! You'll get a hell of a workout walking in straight lines for all eternity without any breaks! Trust me, you need something straight in your life.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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