Tales of the Drow, submitted by Dio.The only thing worse than a geek, who fancies themselves an elf, is a Goth geek who fancies themselves an emo elf. Because that's basicly what dark elves are, depressed elves that live underground, write bad poetry, and ride spiders around all day. Playing a dark elf character is as close as a D&D nerd gets to "cutting loose". I like to think it's for the extra special nerds who are in denial about how totally uncool elves are. The one exception is Legolas because he can ride a shield like a surfboard. Lets take a glance at some of the dark elf poetry. Say those words out loud with me. Dark. Elf. Poetry. Excellent.Hey brah, you got anymore dank nugz?
I walk in the shadows Shadows of the night. Stealth is in my nature, With my cloak pulled in tight
Sword in hand, Poisoned for the foe, I jump at the chance To bring on deep woe.
Walking alone in the night, No one around, no one to trust. Given the chance to kill, Into the breast I thrust.
Watching my prey fall, One after another. All for our priestess, Killing sister or brother.
Once again, alone I sit, Feeding on the beast, Seeing blood all around As I savor my feast.
That was so deep that it makes me wonder about the meaning of it all. Inside are we all dark elves, destined to walk alone in the Underdark of our souls, and crying sweet tears that wets our keen blade of knowledge, before we cut our writs in a melancholy hopelessness? Or is it just the lamenting of a lonely nerd who relates to the dark elf because his pasty hide never sees the sun as well? I like to think it's a little of both. This world is so corrupt.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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