PeteRose.com, submitted by Me. If you get caught doing something you weren't supposed to, here's what Pete Rose would advise you to do:
1) Deny everything.
2) Even against overwhelming evidence, continue to deny you did anything wrong. Blame others. Anyone and everyone. Do not take any responsibility.
3) Repeat for a decade or so.
4) When you are partially forgiven and given the perfect opportunity to apologize for your mistakes, don't do it! Continue to lie.
5) When it becomes abundantly clear that your brilliant strategy of lying for a very long time isn't really working out and even your most stalwart supporters are starting to lose faith in you, admit guilt, but do so in a way in which you can profit! Write a tell-all book with a "oh woe is me" title like My Prison Without Bars and sell autographed copies of it via your website for $90.
6) Flip on ESPN and watch a horrible ESPN Original Motion Picture about your life, cringe.
So head on over to PeteRose.com and buy a copy of My Prison Without Bars today because Pete Rose deserves your money, respect, and adoration. Sure, he's a lying sack of scumbag garbage, but he's a lying sack of scumbag garbage who always ran hard when he hit a routine ground ball! Charlie Hustle!
Gentle creature Mark Zuckerberg informs you that he enjoys his dog and wife the normal human amount. That he has a plan. That he will be Gentle Leader.
Afraid of ideas and free speech? Well then you better not read this article, coward.
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