The Ultimate Gamer, submitted by me. I like video games. Given the choice between shooting myself in the face and playing a video game, I will take the video game nine times out of ten. During a recent search for the answer to a particularly difficult puzzle in a game I was renting (turns out the Start button starts the game), I came across this site for a tv show about video games that apparently became defunct in 1998. Hosted by a redheaded woman who overemphasizes her sex appeal to offset the annoying Tommy Tallarico drone at her side, things start out embarassing and only get worse.
Well, Hello Gamers! How the PINK are ya? It's the loon from the tube, Simon....at least one of me, and we're doing just fine. No we're not!, YES WE ARE! OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ANY WAY! Have you seen my mother?....here kitty, kitty, kitty. Erick, Lyle???...PUT DOWN THOSE SHOTGUNS!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!! uh, sorry. There's no place like the home, there's no place like the home...Auntie Em, Auntie Em! It's a twister! It's a TWISTER!!!
Now that's comedy! In addition to being horrible, the site is sort of interesting as a snapshot of that period in computer gaming. Seeing features on Quake 2, The Journeyman Project, and Mechwarrior 2 alongside mentions of Kali and IPX is pretty neat. It also makes me feel old because it seems like only yesterday that I installed Quake 2 for the first time and played CTF all night while listening to the Beastie Boys' new album Hello Nasty. In reality it's actually been... eight years? Eight years. Shit. Okay, now I really hate this site.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
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