Cyptic Culture, submitted by Evilroeslade. Two doughy goths attempt to barge their way into the National Gothic Cretin League by misspelling their own website's name in the title graphic and offering an assortment of multimedia failure, ranging from imaginary books to a magazine featuring 400-point green and red font. I think this webpage is attempting to sell this crap, but when you're dealing with doughy goths, you just never really know... especially when the page's content contains such literary gems as "Add your text here."

I am gonna put out the first issue kinda low quality, you need to take it to local businesses and ask them if they want to advertise, and with that money we can make something TOP NOTCH the way it should be! I want to have one ready to give to Ozzy this summer, possibly interview him for it while i'm at Ozfest. AND IF IT LOOKS OFFICAL HE MIGHT DO THE INTERVIEW! Have the businesses that you show the magazine too email me . Places you might want to go to are "Tatto Shops, Gothic Stores, Gag Stores, and email online stores 'AND I WILL TOO' " I just need to have something thick to show them. so send all submissions to.

Yeah, good luck with your little magazine, Necromancer Nancy. I'm sure Ozzy will really dig it and will probably lavish incredible compliments upon you while courteously kicking you in the face and ordering his roadies to beat the snot out of your pasty chipmunk cheeks. Ozzy undoubtedly knows that there's a big fucking demand for magazines that provide "drawlings," whatever the hell those may be.

With your help Cryptic Culture and my book "I Am The Boy Next Door" will become well known. All members of the Whisper Crew will get........................................Sample writings, Sample tape, Band T-Shirt, band magazine " E-centric"(More about how you can get in the mag, below) and VIP pass (No experation date), good for two preformances "NO MATTER HOW BIG I GET I WILL HONOR THAT PASS"

It's encouraging to know that no matter how "BIG" Cryptic Chrissy gets, he will still "HONOR THAT PASS." I guess that means he can continue to shove Goth-A-Roni into his drooling, gaping maw, and you'll still be able to redeem your pass and see him at The Sizzler the next time he shows up to inhale the entire pasta bar. That's one of the many benefits of joining "The Whisper Club," although I can't seem to remember any of the other ones offhand. They probably revolve around wearing a cape and dragging your minuscule penis against tombstones at midnight. I'm going to go join "The Whisper Crew" right now so I can experience the unbridled joy of looking at strangers' faces when I hand them a stack full of magazines that have this ungodly mess scrawled across the front cover:

What incredible artwork and design! I'm guessing Gothic Gary had to install MS Paint at least seven times to finish this work of art, as the program undoubtedly kept uninstalling itself so it wouldn't be subjected to producing something this repulsive. I personally don't see how this project can fail. I'm heading over to my "Gag Store" right now to promote whatever the hell I'm supposed to be promoting for these doughy goths. Note the professional bar code on the bottom right corner of the magazine cover. When scanned, it reads, "hey, this is Satan. Sorry about these two morons, but I'm really not affiliated with them. God keeps trying to send them to me and I keep sending 'em right back. Look for their souls to be placed in a discount bargain bin sometime soon, right between Derek Smart and Sam Jain."

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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