Pancake the Bunny's journal, submitted by Chris. Livejournal is a site where people who don't have any friends can spend hours writing fucking inane journal entries and then pretend that they have friends who want to read them. It's a great system because it keeps the loonies off the goddamn streets. With Livejournal around, you can read about some guy who is complaining that Cap'n Crunch slices open the roof of his mouth when he eats it. If Livejournal didn't exist, you would be walking down the street and meet the same guy screaming at the top of his lungs and trying to stab you in the face with a hammer.
Then you have a Livejournal like that of "Pancake the Bunny". Apparently it's run by a dangerous crazy person with so much time and craziness on their hands that they can do a Livejournal for their crazy imaginary pet that can crazy imaginary talk in bracketed actions. The rabbit has absolutely nothing worth reading to say, but that's fine because no fucking Livejournal site ever does.
7:20 pm - [stares at squirrel]
[sees fluffy tail outside window-door] [hops over] [fluffy tail disappears little head appears] [stares into staring eyes] [tail flips up goes away] [outside interesting] [inside safe safe safe warm treat-filled]
I CAN'T STOP READING. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT YOU FUCKING COCK?
Actually this gives me a "great" moneymaking idea, one almost as good as the time I thought I could photocopy money on a black and white copier and then color it green with a crayon. I am going to start a site for my imaginary pet "Lobo the Owl", I'm not sure where exactly profit enters into this scheme, but maybe Lobo will!
4:15 am - [shit out calcified rodent remains]
[feels digestive tract begin to spasm around solid ball of undigested domesticated mouse] [shifts slightly on perch] [makes a fucking radical "whoooo" sound] [stares at reflection in mirror] [shits out calcified rodent remains] [flaps wings] [attention drawn back to that amazing goddamn mirror] [begins preening for roughly ten years straight]
WOWOWOWOWWOW!!!!! I've got a hit on my hands!
In other news: I hope the planet itself gets thrown into the sun.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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