Snakes! Indiana Jones hates 'em, but this lady loves 'em, just loves 'em. She loves 'em so much she even wrote a really nice-looking professional-style book about 'em, and then, unfortunately, she made a horribly ugly Web site. CornUtopia proves that no matter how educated, experienced, and credible you are, if your Web design looks like something created on Angelfire by a wrestling fan, people are going to think you're insane.
Seriously, though, this site has a lot to offer. There's a place to buy books, food, "Girls of Herpetology" calendars and terrifying coffee mugs; hell, there's even somewhere where you can see all the snakes she has for sale. But none of this matters because the site is so visually overwhelming that you're not actually processing any of this information. It's like sitting in the middle of a snake-filled Times Square trying to figure out which way is North.
But yeah, so, lady loves snakes, and she knows a lot about them. Like a lot of over-enthusiastic pet owners, she has trouble expressing this fondness in any way that doesn't come off as weirdly childlike. In a letter to the owners of new snakes, she speaks in character as the baby snake for a full goddamn page of instructions, rather than using the authoritative voice she's entitled to as the author of a book about snakes. Incidentally, that page is also bright pink.
Finally, there's a gallery, which has some pretty rad pictures of two-headed snakes. There are also many, many pictures of snakes fucking, but they're actual photos presented in a scientific way and not just pencil sketches done by some dude who has trouble meeting women. This is remarkably refreshing. And because of that, because I can finally say I've used the phrase "snakes fucking" in a context outside of gross furry bullshit, I'm giving this site an A+.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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