Only in the 21st century could we have possibly imagined something like Global Orgasm Day. Well, okay, that's not true. Only since the development of the calendar and the time when we discovered our hands could reach our genitals could we have imagined Global Orgasm Day, but only now could it conceivably get some significant steam behind it. Combining the complete and total inaction of joining a Darfur action group with ... well, an orgasm, World Orgasm Day is gonna use SCIENCE to make the world a better place, one wasted ounce of ejaculate at a time.

It's not as easy as just jerking off into whatever you use to clean up: According to some purple Comic Sans text, you've gotta anoint your junk and wash away lower vibrations, whatever those are. It sounds like you're pretty much supposed to drink some wine, rub yourself down with some baby oil, and furiously push yourself toward orgasm while "helping" but simultaneously trying not to think of those whose lives are destroyed by war, famine, pestilence, etc. (Protip: Try not to think of what porn stars do after they finish making movies, it's also a bummer.)

Anyway, according to SCIENCE, when people concentrate on things really hard, random number generators the world over stop being so random, so clearly when everyone concentrates really hard on having an orgasm, everything will be popping up 69s, and everyone will get happy because something about energy. Whatever. There is a nice little part where they ask women to stop liking guys who get into a ton of fights, and I guess that's cool, too.

Anyway, this is going up on December 21, which actually IS Global Orgasm Day, so start jerkin'! Get outta here! Dedicate slightly more time to a half-conceived, self-serving notion than you did to help Iranians whose government was trying to silence them! Do it!

– Daryl "Fucking" Hall

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