"If you have been guided to this page, something in your soul is telling you that information will be given that you need to hear."

A few years ago, Ellie Crystal wrote a book called 2012: The Alchemy of Time. According to Crystal's site, "the screenplay adaptation of the book is in the hands of a Hollywood producer, it's destiny to be shown in early 2010." While this might not seem like the most fortuitous time to release a 2012-themed movie, given the existence of not only a big-budget shitfest but also two direct-to-video variations (2012: Doomsday, 2012: Supernova), it's important to note that only Crystal predicts the cause of the apocalypse will be a catastrophic glitch in time that revives Hitler. Also, Crystal offers insights into this grim future that only a real, practicing $150/hour psychic could possibly provide!

Until Crystal's own work appears on the big screen, she bides her time by composing essays about current movies. For example, New Moon inspired "The Allure of the Vampire," in which Crystal shares this inside information:

  • "One of the more popular vampires was Count Dracula who many believed was real and may still live today. Years ago, I had the pleasure of seeing Frank Langella in the role of Dracula on Broadway. The audience sat spellbound."
  • "The character is closely associated with the cultural archetype of the vampire, and remains a popular Halloween costume."

It might not seem possible that one person could have time to work as a full-time psychic, stay current on pop culture, and write at length about conspiracies, extraterrestrials, the surprising assertion that "we are all starborn," and hundreds of sub-topics (this is one of those sites where every click produces a startling number of additional links), but it all makes sense when you figure that she only has roughly three years left to get everything covered.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.