This article is part of the Golan The Insatiable series.
Oak Grove Gazette, Letters to the Editor
Dear Scrawny Fools,
Quail before me, impotent readers of the Oak Grove Gazette! For Golan the Insatiable, Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All, stoops to acknowledge you once more!
This proclamation addresses the visually satisfying females of Oak Grove township. Males and inferior females, you shall cease reading. Let us recommence ...
Cower, attractive females!
In light of some recent occurrences in the unending vexation that is my existence in your fetid anus of a dimension, I have come to realize that we are on the wrong foot, as you humans might say it. In my terrifying homeworld of Gkruool, comely maidens are mine for the depluming wherever I gaze them. Many run from their families and villages, braving the perils of my lair, just to offer themselves up for my ravenous and unforgiving pleasures. The Ryukk valley people breed their most attractive clansmen to produce buxom specimens of preternatural carnal awe, solely so I may lay sexual waste to them during the Ryukk's winter festival. My point being - adjusting to your culture's confusing social codes and sexual assault laws has been an aggravating experience. But I am making an effort.
To initiate, I must address some misconceptions you maychance have of Golan the Insatiable - misconceptions likely retched for the diseased facehole of that she-dog Skylar. You should shun Skylar, attractive females. One day a rain of doom will wash her and her compatriots away! You have been warned!
Anyhoo. Of the first: yes, my mighty phallus has talons. But they are retracted in their resting position, and I shall not loose them. I am well aware that you as yet have no interest in being gorily tattered during your passions (though I promise you the ecstasy is quite terrible).
Of the second: no, I will not rip your head off during sex. It is admittedly a fetish of mine, but not the kind of fetish that I need to indulge in order to reach climax. I assure you, nothing can stop my fearsome climax!
Of the third: No, I am not an inconsiderate lover, as some certain foul tramps have accused. I won't even get into what an honor receiving Golan the Insatiable in your bed is, but beyond that immeasurable consideration, I say it is the female's fault if she is faking her orgasmic expressions. How is a guy supposed to learn what you like if you don't make it known? Plus, some ungrateful females are simply frigid and unwelcoming, like the desolate hoarfrost-covered stones of the Rime-Witch Mountains. More like whorefrost! Am I right, Skylar? (I know you and Yor the Premature read all my columns!)
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Golan the Insatiable: Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All.