Youtube is the best site on the internet. Why do I say this? Because while most websites have a single, or maybe even a couple, of purposes, Youtube fills all sorts of niches that other websites just can't. Sure, you can just fire up Youtube and watch some J. Lo videos, but surprising as it may be to hear, "watching videos" is just the tip of the iceberg.
Fig. 1a. - The "Aw Shucks" response to trolling.The real "meat and potatoes" of Youtube is the highly structured culture that has arisen. Now, not only is Youtube the go-to site for watching various clips from TV shows and music videos, but it can also give you the love and attention mommy and daddy never did. "How", you ask? Well, when that awesome ironic shirt with roses embroidered on it just isn't cutting it, you can always make a video blog and get more attention than you've ever dreamed of. It's like a kid who drinks Mountain Dew suddenly moving up to black tar heroin.
Now, at AwfulVision, I could just coast by making fun of vlogs. I mean, approximately 80 million of them are uploaded every 5 minutes, which would give me approximately enough material to last until the sun burns out. So why not do it? Because they're all the fucking same, that's why! To prove this, I'm going to give you the outline of a Youtube vloggers lifespan. If you can find me ONE example to the contrary, I will eat my hat; and I don't even wear hats.
Seth "Occupy Japan" Bailey's Guide to Youtube Stardom!
A Seth "Occupy Japan" Bailey Joint.
Post a video of yourself doing something wacky and milk it into a cult hit; you don't even have to be in the video at this point. Once you've got at least 50,000 views and 10 comments, it's time to move on to phase 2.
Post a Re: video regarding your own video (never directly address your fans unless someone tries to troll you; see point 5 for more info). In this video, humbly thank all the people who watched and voted on your video.
Continue following points 1 and 2 for a few months, slowly building up your following. Step 4 begins automatically, so don't worry.
Eventually, you're going to post something that isn't nearly as clever as you think it is, and someone is going to troll you.
Post a red-in-the-face video response to your troll. There are two tactics here: either call them a huge faggot idiot moron baby and ask how DARE they troll your video, or get really defensive and take the "aw shucks, why are you picking on me if you don't like it don't watch my videos" response.
Depending on which tactic you use, you'll either look like a huge prima donna or a limp-wristed little bitch. More people will troll you regardless.
Post an "I'm done making videos" video. Never, I repeat, NEVER say it's because you can't stand people making fun of you on the internet. Always say that you've "grown as a person", or "need to figure out why I started making videos in the first place" or some other vague, existential bullshit.
Go to 1.
Following these 8 simple steps, you too will be thrust into the realm of Youtube stardom and normal people hating you. Normally I'd charge upwards of $500 dollars for this information, but times are tough and I'll take a simple "thank you" vlog update and inclusion in your Youtube tags for the next 6 months. Should you kill yourself because you are unable to handle your newfound popularity, this debt will fall on your next of kin.
"Typical theater person, why? You're attractive, sexy articulate, cerebral, questioning. If it feels good do it. Don't question so much. Just relax and enjoy everything."
" I haven't watched your videos until now.. But you seem very insightful, AND you have lovely eyes."
"Geez man this is the first video of your's that I watched, but now I don't think I'll watch another if you're gonna be this depressed all the freakin' time. Smile buddy, life is short, good times scarce and work is constant. Might as well not ask why but try a some Bud guy."
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
The water got bigger? my sand castle was destroyed and we had to move. Who did this?
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!