After the first batch of "Awkward Sexual Encounters," random people started e-mailing me directly with their own erotic misadventures. Sample confession: "I hear him whisper 'Baby, do you want to be on top?' Completely forgetting what is actually going on, I reply with 'No thanks, I like this episode of Scooby Doo.'" Thanks for sharing, I guess! But I didn't need unsolicited stuff when there were still 50-plus pages of actual Goon anecdotes, some of which also combined unsatisfying sex with designed-for-kids background entertainment! Goon songs on page 5!
My second time having sex was with a girl still living with her mom. We start making out during V for Vendetta so things are going well. By the time I reach second base, I hear the garage door open. We quickly fix our hair and clothes and get back to watching the movie. The mother is no idiot, and she knows exactly what we're up to. After she leaves to retire upstairs, the girl and I head downstairs to her room. She lets me go down on her, perform vaginal and anal all on the first night of meeting. Sadly, the mom is clearly up on what we're doing, so she texts her during sex, and it kills the mood for us. Neither of us came of course.
I find out a week later that she's pregnant. Of course, I'm new to sex, and the first thing I ask her is "Wow, it wasn't me that got you pregnant, right?" I never heard from her again.
I have had not one, but TWO guys' moms walk in, see that we were having sex, and not leave, but continue to tell him whatever it was she came in to say! One guy's mom hassled him about his chores and laundry, and one mom gave instructions on things he needed to do while she was out of town.
I was playing Crackdown and after beating one of the bosses I yelled out "Take that crime! You shit!" while girl was riding me. She stopped and told me "I don't like dirty talk."
I once went down on my girlfriend whilst she was reading Harry Potter in bed. After about 5 minutes of drinking from the ambrosia fountain without barely a moan, I come up for air and find she is still reading Harry Potter and "just wants to get to the end of the chapter and she'll be right with me."
I was in the 11th grade at my high school and a teacher was offering mega extra credit if people could help with the curtains and such for the graduation of the seniors. It was extra credit I needed so I signed up. My girlfriend at the time had a thing with fucking in public so mid-ceremony we were going at it right behind the curtains at the back of the stage on a table when the table collapsed, ripping the curtain down with it. I'm standing there with my boner pointing towards the proud parents and such when she stands up. Her older brother was in the process of being handed his diploma when all this happened and her parents were in the audience. Yeah, definitely awkward. I ended up getting the extra credit, passing the class, getting expelled, and getting my ass handed to me by a 6'3" future Marine for fucking his little sister all in the same day. Oh, and her parents were filming the graduation ceremony.
I used to have a girlfriend who would draw faces on her hands and pretend it was giving me head. Whoever said the crazies are the best in bed are dead wrong.
My family wasn't interested in memes or racial theory. No matter how hard I tried to connect with them, they proved extremely intolerant.
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.