It is the 42nd century by our current reckoning. Humanity has found the barriers to interstellar travel insurmountable, and has taken to mega-engineering projects within its home system. Jupiter has long since been transformed into a yellow dwarf star, and Europa has been positioned with mass drivers into the green zone, creating a water world. With an Earth-like climate and access to the mining riches of the Jovian system, this new world of Aquatica becomes the center of Human civilization and commerce. (Whole series consists of scientific and technological masturbation and sociological conjecture.)
Call Your Grandma
"I don't think Drax'Ull the Undying knows he has a problem. I went into his tower the other day to check up on him, since I had asked earlier in the week for an army of undead archers to man my newly built Doom Fortress. Stuff was piled ceiling-high, and it wasn't even magic shit. Just old newspapers, unopened boxes of cereal, table legs, that sort of junk.
I mean, I really appreciate his efforts in creating my forces of darkness, and his shadow magicks are second to none, but I think I'm going to have to have an intervention or something if he doesn't get his act together. If you can break the very laws of nature by instilling dark energies into rotting corpses, giving them new life as shambling horrors, you can put a fucking mop in their hands. Christ, it's not like I don't pay well, either. Hire a goddamn maid or a cleaning service if you know I'm checking in with you!
When I can't even see my undead minions because they're surrounded in rusty birdcages and broken wagon parts, something has to change."
"As Tri-La of the forest people sat in the Honey Blossom Grove, surrounded by the gently sweet smell of the flowering golden blossoms, she allowed all her cares and worries to be taken away by the gentle breeze. Her newly met equine friend, whom she had given the name Eachann, lay by her side. His large, beautiful form served as the perfect pillow, and Tri-La was filled with joy.
But just as quickly as a blossomed flower begins to lose its petals, a feeling of great sadness entered Tri-La's mind. Soon she would have to return to her village, where she would be unable to escape her mother's talk of arranged marriage.
With a sigh, Tri-La began to think aloud. "Oh, if only you were not a horse Eachann, but a man, then we could get married!"
"But I am a man!" The horse thought desperately. "And I love commitment!"
If only Tri-La knew!"
"Oh Tri-La, this time spent as a horse has taught me so many valuable lessons; how to listen to you, no matter what; how to carry you to the point of exhaustion; how to constantly protect you when your poorly thought-out actions lead us both squarely into danger. Please, do me this great kindness, and become my noble queen in my strangely matriarchal homeland where you will forever have my balls in your death grip!"
With a smile and a happy heart, Tri-La accepted the proposal. Thusly the once-naked lady and the once-horse man climbed atop a hitherto completely unmentioned other horse, and rode into the sunset."
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.