Plebian Parasite

During the course of operation, you may find yourself curious about the contents of the K-Cup, this is natural, and we here at Keurig have spared no expense at making sure that the flavors and ingredients contained within each K-Cup are 100% safe and natural, and as a reminder, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should a consumer remove the protective membrane. If you find that a K-Cup has been breached, whether purposefully or accidentally, DO NOT PANIC, immediately seal all exits and locate the sealed manilla envelope that comes with each Keurig machine, the Keurig Containment Unit Protocol will instruct you further.

Farecoal

You may be tempted to have sex with your Keurig machine. The Keurig company does not recommend this, as they have a tendency to lie about using protection

City of Glompton

Five Things to Consider Before Getting a Keurig:

1. Be prepared to pony up for your new coffee pal. The price for K-cup coffee is about $50/lb, and that doesn't even factor in extras like cream and sugar. Will you be able to afford your new appliance's daily needs if only top-tier pods agree with its delicate innards?

2. Think outside the box. Do you have the space for a Keurig once you bring it home? If your kitchen is on the small side, consider a 'teacup Keurig', as it is cruel to confine a standard-sized machine to cramped sideboard.

3. One coffee break is not enough. Are you able to give your Keurig the attention it deserves? Sure, you've enjoyed the office Keurig, but it's getting plenty of attention, which ensures it is socialized and well-adjusted. If you only have time to see your Keurig in the morning and neglect it the rest of the day, it can develop behavioral issues, such as leaking water, or worse, leaving grounds in your coffee.

4. Bean there, done that? Have you ever owned a small appliance before? Have you kept it in use until planned obsolescence got the better of it? Or is it relegated to the hard-to-reach cabinet above the fridge (or even worse--donated to Goodwill with its accessories left in the utensil drawer)? The toaster oven from your childhood doesn't count, but if you've had a George Forman grill, a Bullet blender, or a similar trendy gadget since you've been an adult, it's important to consider about how that turned out. You wouldn't want to bring home a cute, shiny Keurig if you'll only be putting it on Craigslist with a poor excuse and a ridiculous 'rehoming fee' in a few months.

5. Don't worry, drink coffee. If these questions have helped you realize that being a small appliance owner is not for you, fear not. There are plenty of coffee memes out there you can enjoy without the responsibility of cleaning reservoirs and storing an ever-growing collection of coffee mugs.

Manifisto

ai scientist: the so-called "keurig test" hinges on whether a questioner can tell the difference between a keurig coffee maker and a human being. here it is in action.

questioner 1: hello,. my name is bill. what's your name?

answer 1: *slurp . . . slurp . . . hisss*

answer 2: beep boop I'm a fuckin' keurig

social vegan

keurig pod (k-pod) shells do not readily decompose upon tossing them out. Scientists predict that they will not break down for at least 120 years, which makes them excellent hats for the long-lived giant tortoise.

i flunked out

little known keurig fact: theyre edible, and they pair very well with the Dunkin Donuts Dark Roast K-Cups

Manifisto

how tragic that we've lost the wisdom of our forbears, who knew how to use every part of the keurig

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

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