EMTs lead truly shit lives. Here are their stories. Disclaimer: Everything here is definitely real.
Working a cardiac arrest one time, we couldn't figure out why the patient was absolutely, climbed-out-of-the-bathtub wet. She was found in her bed.
Turns out her family thought the best way to wake up a dead person was splashing her with a huge bucket of water like in the movies.
I'm a 911 dispatcher and call taker, but we don't handle EMS calls at my center, the ambulatory company has their own people for that, so I've got lots of good police stories, but not really too many medical ones. Some of the medical ones I have taken, or listened to a coworker take, were from:
A guy who shotgunned the front half of his face off and bled to death while talking to me.
A lady who called in because her boyfriend, during foreplay, had stuck some kind of a metal box into her vagina, and then they couldn't get it out, even after using a spoon and metal tongs.
People who smoked weed and got really paranoid.
People completely wigging out on meth.
People who took a bunch of advil to "kill myself painlessly."
My police stories are a lot better, and even involve the classic "Burger King fucked up my order!" calls.
I've worked with a few RNs who used to work in the children's hospital in Miami. Some of the highlights they told me about :
1. Father of a patient was involved in organized crime, tipped his daughter's nurse with a bag of cocaine to show his appreciation for helping his little girl (She gave it back to him and said his appreciation was more than enough).
2. Family asked if they could do a group prayer around the daughter's bed. This turns out to be some kind of santeria ritual with lit candles in the room and a dead bird laying on the girl's chest.
3. Distraught father of a terminally ill girl sneaks a pistol into the hospital and mercy kills his daughter to spare her any further suffering.
The Light Eternal
Things people have called 911 for recently:
-Took Ambien and is now lethargic
-Smoked weed and is now paranoid
-Stopped taking anxiety medication and is now anxious
-Diabetic and penis fell off
How about a story on the lighter side of the funny-gross spectrum?
Morbidly obese female (high 300s if I remember), non emergent transport to an MRI facility that could facilitate her. If you don't know how an MRI works, just think of it as a giant magnet.
No issues until the MRI is turned on and she starts howling in pain. Turn the MRI off, pain is gone. Give her a quick check and she says she's okay so back in the machine! Flip the switch and more horrible screaming. Now we check her very thoroughly, and find a metal fork that she had lost inside her own fat rolls. It was crusty.
One time I picked up a patient that claimed to be getting raped by a ghost.
Why you honk and how it’s misinterpreted.
Gentle Creature has awakened from his worries. Shhhh. He has gone to visit his gentle cousin who also wants to be President.
If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.
These tips are guaranteed to work. Nearly every time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.