I had a partner that was sick of a particular nurse at the hospital giving us shit every time we dropped off a patient one night, so when we got an OD call, he gave the patient juuuuuuust enough narcan as we were rolling into the patients room, to have her puking fucking everywhere. All over herself, the floor, everywhere. He gave the nurse a hearty salute, and walked out. At the time, I thought it was magical, now, I just look back and realize how childish he was being.
Call for a 44yo female, difficulty breathing, extended ETA (distance) with fire en route. This happens to be in a frequent-flyer heavy Section 8 townhome area (that seem to all be stamped out at the same factory with steep narrow stairs, and tight corners everywhere).
So we arrived and fire states that she's having some abdominal pain too. We walk inside to find her slouched way down on the couch with a muumuu on, and her neck bent severely saying she's having trouble breathing.
There's a faint cheese smell in the room I can't quite place, but I continue my assessment. Airway is first so I sit her up and *relief* from respiratory distress. Success! (yes some people are this dumb)
Patient then basically says she wants to be seen at ED for her abdominal pain. Ok, cool. Palpate, belly is soft, nontender except for a little suprapubic.
I notice she has a t-shirt or something wedged under her muumuu I didn't see before. So, just prior to standing her up and sitting on stretcher, I remove it and inadvertently find the source of the cheese smell. About 500cc of what looks like greek yogurt pours from her crotch and is glopped all over the t-shirt.
Turns out, she had TSS and that hadn't removed a tampon for over a month.
We had to wrap her up pretty tightly w/ top-sheet and blanket to keep the smell under control. Luckily she was pretty much asymptomatic for sepsis and whatnot.
But that was pretty fucking gross.
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I've done a few ride alongs with PD and EMS, no great stories aside from a kid who shoved three pencils up his nose and then tripped and fell. He was fine aside from the broken nose and blood everrrrrrrywhere.
I did 911 EMS in a college town, Friday/Saturday nights were always the worst but they also proved to be pretty interesting stories.
Scene 1: called to the local 24 hour laundromat from an off site security company, young college age girl was drunk, passed out 2/3rds the way in a washing machine. Initially odd, although she was from a sorority so I assumed possible college prank or just shenanigans for a warm Friday night.
We start to pull her out from the washing machine when we noticed that she was covered in shit and vomit. I mean like vomit all over her dress, shit on her skirt and caked on her legs. She was straight up out of it, we ended up transporting her emergent and intubated her because of her inability to maintain an airway and respiratory depression.
We chalked it up to two things, she either was dragged there by friends, or she realized she was covered in vomit and shit and in her drunken state wanted to "wash off" before heading back home and assumed that just going into a washing machine would make everything alright.
Scene 2: Non college related, but we got called to a "welfare check" which means that for some reason, a friend/family/passer-by or whatever is worried about the health and welfare of a specific person. We get to the house, PD with us and we bang on the door and do our usual thing "EMS/PD blah blah blah we got called for a welfare check" no response. PD opens up the door, and it's like a flashback to the 60's/70's. Fucking in the main room there's a disco ball and stripper poll, white shag carpet and pictures of half naked black chicks with afro's and a big ass mirror next to this old school television. On top of the T.V is a TON of VHS porn, one labeled "truck stop Women" and "forced entry" which i kinda lolled.
Anyways, we start walking around, we hear nothing, keep yelling and do a search, the house is pretty big, 2 stories, cops go upstairs we stay down and search. I'm making my way into the backyard and I hear "BEDROOM 2nd FLOOR!" from one of the cops.
I rush upstairs and we find this dude in a water bed, looks dead as fuck. The bed has a huge ass mirror above it, red satin sheets, and red curtains on top of some night-shades and gives it a very porn-esque vibe to it. His dresser top had probably 6-8 dildo's on it, lube, anal beads, handcuffs, you name it. The guy was completely naked and the room smelled like sex and shame. Next to the bed was a pink bra, probably double D size and a pink g string, most likely wouldn't fit him, since it was probably for a hefty lefty and he was 5 ft 10 160 lbs on a good day.
Dude had some rigor setting in so he'd been dead for probably some while. He was in his early 60's *this was back in 09* and apparently, according to his neighbors, was a fan of strippers, hookers, anything he could fuck and used his place as a sex pad and nothing more.
he probably died getting ridden by a big black chick... Dude lived a good life and died the way he wanted to... God rest his soul.
The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.
Grimy horror growler Rob Zombie's scariest music videos finally ranked to warn your children.
1998: I upload dave.pcx, and change the course of history
Set goals for yourself, and fulfill them. Absurd! Only in video games!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.