Inspector Gadget's Hardest Case Yet, inspired by Inspector Gadget, written by DrDraxiumAfter a long day fighting crime, and consequent letter bomb complaints on his answering machine from Chief Quimby, Inspector Gadget pulled into his driveway, which was currently in Van-mode and parked it. He got out and shut the door behind him. "Penny I'm home!” he shouted as he made his way to the front door. He found it strange that there was no reply, as Penny is almost always upstairs doing her homework right by the window and is almost clockwork with her welcome-home-uncle-gadget's. The strangeness soon subsided to make way for other more dominant needs, such as a good oil change and getting something to eat! He extended his arm to the doorknob and pointed out his index finger. Soon his finger snapped at the first knuckle to reveal a key, which he then used to open the door."Brain, where's my little buddy eh?” he shouted in the direction of the staircase expecting Brain to come tumbling down the stairs as he often did around dinnertime. No reply. The strange feeling increased in potency within Gadget's psyche, but the hunger still took priority. Donning a wife-beater, he sat down at the kitchen table and removed his brown leather gloves and placed them beside where his plate should be sitting. "What's this", he murmured to himself, noting the absence of a normally well set-up dining table. He looked around the kitchen to see a disaster, dirty plates here and there, mud was generously spread all over the floor and there were some broken plates by the sink. Gadget got up to investigate the area. "Go-Go Gadget magnifying glass", he yelled apparently to no one but himself, unless he was trying to warn Penny he was investigating in some half-assed attempt to lure her out of whatever closet or pantry she might be hiding in. Why she would be hiding is beyond our cybernetic hero at this point.With squeaking mechanical sounds the magnifying glass and the protruding metal pole it was attached to bounced about the place to finally position itself in front of Gadget's right eye, enlarging it from another person's view quite hilariously. He went up to the sink basin and looked closely, adjusting the zoom level on his microscope in and out, trying to find clues as to Penny's (and also Brain's) whereabouts. "Ah-HAH!” he announced with delight, coming across what looked to be some of Brain's hair. Yellow and in tatters, the clumps of hair were all over the place, almost as if they had been... pulled out! "Great Scott!” Gadget cried out in horror as the realization of a possible dog-napper became apparent to him.Gadget hurriedly retracted his magnifying glass and proceeded to grab his gloves and coat, knocking a vase over and messing up the tablecloth in the slapsticky process. Wiping the vase water from his coat, he ran upstairs. He decided not to yell, as the intruder may be alarmed to his presence, not that his fumbling antics downstairs wouldn't have already alerted him, but of course these things don't occur to Gadget's poor, old, cybernetic brain. As he got to the top of the stairs he turned to his left, and looked at Penny's door, which was surprisingly shut. He tiptoed slowly towards to the door, trying to be as cautious and careful as possible. Crouching down and leaning against the wall, he whispered, "Go-go gadget radar!" and a small compartment opened on his shoulder. A small radar dish then surfaced and began to spin emitting a small sonar-like sound. With his sensor systems now engaged, Gadget moved forward with newfound confidence. Little did he know, nor could’ve possibly dreamt what lay behind the oft-unclosed doors of Penny.He moved closer and closer, inches now from the curved door handle he rarely ever touched. Just as he was about to open it, the lights went dead. His night vision engaged almost instantly. He turned his head in two 180 degree spins just to double check he wasn’t be followed by the cursed dog-napper he supposed was about the house somewhere. He went forward to open the door and touched it slightly, but unexpectedly the door opened by mere force.It was open.Do-or-die time.He pushed open the door and what he saw he could not believe. There was Brain and Penny, but unlike he had ever seen them before. Penny was strapped down to her computer desk and Brain was above her thrusting away at her innocent, schoolgirl pussy like… a… dog on some poor bystander’s leg! Except this time it was for real, Brain had hit his intended target. All those embarrassing dinner’s with the chief, near-ruined by Brain’s ceaseless attempts to get it on with Penny’s leg finally made sense to Gadget who stood there, dumbfounded in this room of desecrated, inhuman suffering.Something was oddly unnatural about Brain’s appearance. His muscles were large and bulging, nerving was clearly visible as it is on large steroid pumped gym-freaks (or Californian governors, take your pick) and his hair had turned a strange tinge of gray. Mumbled cries for help could be heard from Penny as tears ran down her red, flustered cheeks. The remains of her signature red and white striped top could be seen amongst the destroyed computer which once stood where Brain was now fucking Penny brainless. It was all too much for Gadget who now broiling over with anger began to ready himself for battle. Brain slowed the thrusts and turned his head slowly to see who had barged in on his rabid frenzy. His eyes now a dark shade of green amongst bloodshot veins stared into the very soul of Gadget. Drools came out in long frothy strands, which had been accumulated on the back of Penny’s head, matting her hair and leaving red burn marks on her neck. “Brain, you monster, release her this instant!” Gadget yelled pointing his two index fingers out in preparation for the defiance he could now sense coming from Brain. “Claw will take us one by one, saving you for the main dish of his final supper” Brain uttered in a loud, flanged, squelching voice, almost as if nature was fighting against this abomination knowing full well that dogs were never designed to talk. Gadget knew in his heart there was still a little, lovable flame of Brain burning out inside of this monstrosity, but he also knew what had to be done. Brain got up and turned towards gadget, his enlarged, drug-pumped penis slopping out of Penny’s virgin-turned-gorge vaginal cavity. With that final image in his mind, Gadget yelled out “Go-Go Gadget Flamethrowers!!” and soon after, both his hands detached and flipped upwards off their natural positions and two long, shiny and hollow cylinders extended out about 10 cm from his wrists. The ensuing flames shot out with such force that Brain was actually knocked off his feet and reduced to a horrid, wilting mass of flesh and twinging muscle. His body size reverted from its unnaturally enlarged state back to its original size as the spasiming muscles gave up and he became nothing more than a charred corpse of the dog Gadget and Penny had once loved.He untied Penny and wrapped her in his coat. She collapsed into his arms and clung to his hard, robotic upper-body and whimpered softly, obviously not even having enough energy to cry let alone stand on her own two feet. Gadget moved over to the window, which was covered in blood stained curtains and moved them aside. He looked out of the window and onto the horizon and the setting sun. “I’ll get you next time Claw, next time”.
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.