Quote: “Our state-of-the-art motion capture means characters move fluidly, just like real people!”

Indicates: No more ugly, jerky movements for my character? Wow! I bet the hand-to-hand fighting is going to look great!

True Meaning: Using an elaborate system of interns with stun prods and a trail of delicious pudding cups and five dollar bills, we were able to lure several homeless people and one street mime into our "motion capture studio," which is what we call the alley next to the lead modeller's apartment complex. Once there, we got them all drunk on cheap liquor and forced them to fight with broomsticks and trashcan lids while we took pictures with a digital camera and threw rocks at them. The pictures didn't really come out well, so we're just going to claim its aikido and call it a day.


Quote: “Finally ... a 'Diablo style RPG' that seems to have done everything right.”

Indicates: The core elements of Diablo combined with more in-depth RPG elements that provide the most satisfying hack-and-slash RPG experience yet. Also Diablo sucks.

True Meaning: Click. Click. Click.


Quote: “The next [insert game name] killer!”

Indicates: This game will be even better than that game that came out 2 or 3 years ago that is still the best in its genre. Prepare for some fun

True Meaning: I sure hope someone already killed that game because the best we can do is nudge its corpse OR hey games can have heart attacks for no reason, right?


Quote: “Take control of DC's invulnerable MAN OF STEEL(Tm) SUPERMAN(R), guiding him through familiar cities and alien landscapes, and all-new alien worlds! Arm yourself with heroic powers to defeat Lex Luthor!”

Indicates: Your favorite superhero is gonna kick ass from the start of the game. Heat-vision, flight, ice breath, whatever they do in the comics I can do. CHECK! Metropolis? CHECK! Apocalypse? CHECK!

True Meaning: Superman died in the comics, right? That means that he can die from a few punches from random thugs, right? Ok we threw that in as a "feature". And why don't we add some kind of "kryptonite net" around all the areas so he won't start with any powers and you have to earn them by collecting "S" emblems. I think we read that in the comics somewhere too. Luthor did it. Issue....604. That's the ticket. And since our level designers aren't comic book artists, we just took the same level map for Apocalypse and made the fires green, and now its kryptonite flame. That's the one new area.


Quote: “The first game with film quality, controllable 3-D graphics ... Robot attack routines choreographed by a martial arts expert ... Awesome cinematic link sequences “

Indicates: This game is the beginning of the end for bedsit programmers! High production values and generous development time will make this game the new benchmark for all things to come.

True Meaning: It certainly was innovative.. in one area, this introduced the gaming world to the concept of "Over-hype" and "Pre-rendered". Quite frankly not a single man hour was spent on considering game mechanics or fluidity and their entire ridiculous budget was spent on 'Awesome cinematic link sequences'. It wasn’t even style over substance, because there was nothing special about the in-game graphics.


Quote: “will feature coop play out of the box, play through the entire single player game with up to 8 of your friends!”

Indicates: Holy macaroni, we get to play through the entire game with other people! I'm preordering this game right away!

True Meaning: The developers think that coop will be easy to implement, and just the mention of it gives the game and company tons of free PR. However, when they actually try to get it to work, they find that it's a bit hard, and the game ships with Deathmatch and Team Deathmatch with coop "possibly coming in an upcoming patch."

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.