Quote: “Super realistic combat!”
Indicates: Combat will be similar to armed combat in reality, with iron sights and realistic capabilities and whatnot.
True Meaning: Headshots kill instantly, leg shots slow you down, and getting shot in the arm makes you bleed. You can't move very fast sideways, and if you fire while moving AT ALL your shots will go everyplace. And you can only jump two feet.
Quote: “When it's done“
Indicates: The devs want this game to feature everything: random alien invasions dynamically generated cities with people who really go to the bathroom using BowelScheduler technology, and when it's done, it'll truly be done right.
True Meaning: The devs have picked up a nasty crack cocaine habit and are too busy doing lines off of their sample GeForces and Radeons to worry about things like milestones, release dates, and fans.
Quote: “Will cater both to the avid fan as well as the casual action gamer “
Indicates: Easy to learn, hard to master gameplay. Even if you've never played the series before, playing this game will amuse you as much as masturbating; but if you're already a fan, it'll be like mastering multiple orgasms.
True Meaning: If you haven't already played the other games in the series, you better be prepared to memorize obscure controls, obfuscated menu systems, and a manual that makes the Bible look like Cat In The Hat. If you're a fan of the series, then this'll be just like all the other ones, except things will shine and look like molded plastic thanks to bump mapping.
Quote: "The system will retail somewhere between $200 - $300."
Indicates: The price has yet to be set in stone.
True Meaning: "$299.99"
Quote: "I'm afraid I can't comment on that."
Indicates: Sensitive information that can't be shared at that point in time.
True Meaning: "I don't have a fucking clue. To be honest with you, I'd be surprised if we still had our jobs six months down the line."
Quote: “Character designs by master of horror Todd McFarlane!”
Indicates: We've hired Todd McFarlane to make some scary fucked-up shit for you to face off against. If you thinkis scary, wait'll you see what we've got cooked up.
True Meaning: Seventeen different kinds of skulls and spiders, and every woman in the game is showing off her knockers. And the game is probably set in Hell or you'll go there, at some point or other. We also have an action figure tie-in.
Quote: “For this sequel we have tried to remove everything people didn’t like, like the 30 min. train ride in the beginning, and replace it with new things in the sequel!”
Indicates: We have taken out everything that sucks, and put in new stuff that kicks ass. There is no way now that this game can suck
True Meaning: We actually left in the train ride, and the new stuff we have added are things you will probably hate, like jumping puzzles with things falling from overhead. See the physics in action!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.