Quote: “A totally self-sufficient player based economy with thousands of innovative player crafted items!”
Indicates: Exciting crafting, and a chance to become e-Donald trump.
True Meaning: Among them many thousands of exciting player made items, approx. 14,000 items are as useful as a thumbtack in a bullfight. 5,000 are too weak to give them away, and there are 3 items in the entire game that people really want, that have impossible components retrieved from enemies that no longer spawn.
Quote: "The N-Gage is an exciting platform for us to develop for. It presents unique opportunities and allows us to experiment in ways we couldn't on other platforms."
Indicates: The N-Gage gives developers lots of creative freedom to try quirky and fun ideas. The devs truly think it's a great system.
True Meaning: Didja hear that you can change game cartridges without taking the N-Gage apart now? That's what I call exciting! We can pretty much make whatever we want because the fuckwits who actually bought an N-Gage lack the area of the brain which accounts for taste, so they'll buy anything. Romero's already made eighty games, he fucking loves it.
Quote: “Two screens on the portable system will open doors to brand new gameplay types, incredible new dimensions for franchises and innovations across the board!”
Indicates: Two screens is going to make for some awesome new games and great new features
True Meaning: For every one game that does something interesting with 2 screens there will be thirty that will have you looking at a map or inventory screen.
Quote: “Global interaction allows you to play with thousands of people around the world.“
Indicates: Lots of players with different backgrounds and views on playing the game.
True Meaning: You are going to be destroyed and then taunted by 14 year old Korean kids.
Quote: “[game name] features a unique gameplay system that incorporates both the television and the GameBoy Advance”
Indicates: Enhanced playability by being able to use both your GameCube and GameBoy Advance at the same time!
True Meaning: Even though we could have made a game without the need for a GBA, we like money. Give us your money you stupid consumer whore.
Quote: “The game which heralds a new dawn in PC gaming!”
Indicates: This game will introduce an entirely new genre into the PC gaming market, much like Wolfenstein 3D and Doom. Future games will strive to emulate and top this game.
True Meaning: I can train my giant pet cow to do more than eat his own crap. I can also lob villagers across the ocean and they will skip like rocks. The incredible power of the reworked AI will assist villagers praying at the temple in feeding themselves instead of casting mournful stares at the granary as they slowly waste away.
Quote: “Epic online gameplay that pushes the bounds of your playing experience that force teams to work together in completion of your goals”
Indicates: It will be a fun, enthralling experience in which teams play together and win together.
True Meaning: Most players will attempt to complete goals solo since the rest of their team don't give two shits about teamwork, or the objectives but do want to get to the top of the scoreboard. These people will probably kill you for your vehicle.
Quote: “We've streamlined the controls and gameplay in [game sequel] so that our game will appeal to the masses!”
Indicates: The sequel to [game x] is now easier to play and should be appealing to all your friends. No more multi-key commands for doing [feature]!
True Meaning: All the features that made the first game so great have either been removed or dumbed down.
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.