Quote: “A hilarious and wacky adventure!”
Indicates: A game that doesn't take itself seriously, this will have you laughing throughout.
True Meaning: Hilarious = fart/butt references which aren't even jokes. Wacky = characters that look slightly strange. You won't laugh even once unless you think Ditech.com's commercials are the pinnacle of wit.
Quote: “The AI and physics have a life of their own. In fact, the development team was continually surprised by things that happened in the game which they hadn't planned.”
Indicates: The game world is completely unpredictable and interactive; the AI is ingenious enough to outsmart the guys who created it.
True Meaning: The bad guys run against walls and frequently ignore the player even when he's three feet away, which is something we didn't expect. We also didn't expect the game to crash when you knock over a stack of boxes, but it does.
Quote: “Rated M for Extreme Gore and Violence “
Indicates: This game will make me vomit there's so much gore in it. I can watch 3-d modeled small intestines fall out of my victims if I slash their stomachs.
True Meaning: An arm or two might fall off, they really just took an animated blood sprite and doubled it three times over.
Quote: "ESRB warning- Experience may change with online gameplay."
Indicates: The developers created an ESRB Teen rated game. However, other players online might create a distinctly different experience.
True Meaning: In our game, we've excluded 'damn' and 'hell' from npc dialogue, or make any overt references to any particular deity or pantheon. We even changed instances of the word 'Nazi' to 'German', since the thin-skinned, politically uptight fucking Germans won't let us sell the game in their country unless we pander to their desperate need to pretend there wasn't ever a Nazi Germany. Our official community forums censor naughty words, and even the word 'gay' because you never know what alum-sphinctered, politically opportunistic drama vultures could interpret that as weakness and a spot of blood and then turn our precious little game into a media pariah. Basically, we, the publishers, developers and their legal team, are covering our asses. Not because of the content we created, but instead because of the miserable, vulgar and malicious experiences we can count on our very customers to create for other players. Please enjoy the game, and if you want to experience the game in its true 'Teen' rating, just don't ever, ever, ever group up with another player.
Quote: "Day-and-night real-time gameplay"
Indicates: If you play the game in the day, then play it at night, different things will happen.
True Meaning: This is an excuse to make you play this game incessantly so their brainwashing will begin to take hold. After all, how are they supposed to implant subliminal messages in you if you aren't forced to play the game at all different times of the day and all different days of the week in order to get various items that only appear in the game for a 2 hour period at the most inconvenient time for you?
Quote: “While we plan to release [new system] soon, be assured that we will remain committed to [present system]!”
Indicates: Your investment in [present system] won't be a waste since there will be games released well into the future.
True Meaning: We don't want to hurt present console sales with the threat of new technology. Be rest assured that as soon as [future console] is released you'll have many Spongebob Squarepants and Shrek videogames to look forward too.
Quote: “After playing Virtual Boy you'll never look at games the same way again.”
Indicates: This new innovative system brings many fresh ideas to the world of gaming.
True Meaning: After playing Virtual Boy you'll never look at ANYTHING again. Being blinded is a bitch but don't say they didn't warn you.
Quote: "Drive exotic vehicles like a Ferrari or BMW!"
Indicates: In this game you'll be able to drive cars that you'd never be able to in real life!
True Meaning: By "drive" they mean have a camera follow them from 2 meters back and have the car be utterly invincible because by fuck if you're going to use our beautiful sexy car in your shitty game you must portray the image that it is indestructible. If you even think about creating a damage model for the car we'll yank your license and also tell all the other car manufacturers so you'll never be able to use a real car in your games again!
That's it for this week! Thanks again to the games forum, who really know their PR bullshit. See you later!
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TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.