Given that you're reading a Something Awful front-page article, you're probably already a badass. If not, you've almost certainly resolved to be one in the new year 2013! Stated goals such as "develop an interest," "get physical" and "go outside" will have you well on your way! However, there are certain expectations that go along with being a badass. When you do a cool thing people will look at you expectantly, and if you don't follow it up by saying a cool thing, you'll forfeit badass status. Fortunately WET BUTT came up with phrases for almost every situation! Thanks to neoaxd for the drawings; contact him for commissions and follow him on Twitter!
WET BUTT wrote all the badass things on page 1; on p. 2 and 3, his FYAD peers pitch in with quips!
EXCHANGE RATE OF REGULAR BULLSHIT LIFE TO COOL BADASS
50 dollars = 50 big ones
$100 = Benjamins
$200 = a smooth double hundo
$25 = big two five and im feelin live
$300 = more money than ive ever seen before in my life
No shit sherlock
Nice job captain obvious
Reality tv is bullshit [said coolly]
remember when mtv used to play fuckin music
Take five, brother
someone woke up on the wrong side of the DICK today
Yeah i got a match, my ass and your face [said in timbre that rules]
do the math [said across table to my enemies]
Opinions are like onions- i cut into them using atheist wisdom and people start crying
my boys gf: *gives my boy some serious shit for nothing*
me: Whipped!!!!! Wah chhh hahahhaahaha
my boy: lol damn good times man
i see a guy fall over: Walk much
i see some bugs on the street; Cool
i see some hot chicks at the mall: Want to get fucked tonight. Want to get fucked tonight. Want to get fucked by me [they start walking away] Fine whatever i dont like to fuck slut whore fucking dyke bitches anyway. fuck you retard
I dont know why they call it house music, it seems to really bring the house down hahaha. I said id ont know why they calli t house music it seems to really bring the house down. Never mind its too loud in here and i need to recharge my nintendo ds on the sooner (on the sooner is another separate cool thing i will say)
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
The water got bigger? my sand castle was destroyed and we had to move. Who did this?
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.