birthdiva posted:

Food has become more delicious

DENVER (Reuters) Things aren’t the same anymore; food has become more savory and sweeter to the tooth.

“It’s as if there is nothing else edible or worth eating in the western world today,” said leading expertise Hank Tomlinson. “No one wants to eat a thing that is not tasty, but there is nothing that is not tasty anymore..”

Food, including fruits, nuts, grains, vegetables, and even the meats of various creatures, is expected to be eaten in great quantities.

birthdiva posted:

Shred pile full of love letters

Tuskegee {heuters} A pile of documents is full of love letters from a man to a woman. The pile is peppered infrequently by letters from the woman to the man, although these are short and better written.

"These letters are in my desk and I cannot read them again without crying," said the man. "I have put them in the pile so that an intern can shred them with a cross-cut shredder machine."

The shredded pieces will be put in a bag and mixed with finance and patent documents and then thrown into the rubbish. Then the man will forget the letters. The woman has already forgot the man.

birthdiva posted:

Knees fondled by man, woman disinterested and asexual

Monreo, Africa [Returs] man , feeling frisky, has felt a woman's knobby knees with his knobby fingers, thinking to have her randier than before. woman did not respond, nor positiviely nor negatively, except to move her knee once he was through and scratch it with a flyswatter, as if saying something was so hard.

"was as if she did not notice the pads of my fingers upon her knees or my palm on her thigh," said man, still active. "i wish she had noticed because i would have liked to touch her more, at other times and on other places"

woman, not available, was cooking stew in a kitchen pot, not ready for sex.

birthdiva posted:

mirrors won't work for robots

here and now, [AP]

Nor mirrors nor magic will work for the mechanical. They can be seen but only in camera pictures and influence only by money and fear.

"Automated alice/can't get through the looking glass" goes the refrain to one mournful song. Robots cannot sing this song, but dulcet young girls can be contracted for pennies to sing it to them.

birthdiva posted:

hair is falling out and dying in huge amounts


by hank panson

hair, that wonderful stuff that keeps you warm when attached to your head or put on your body as a coat, is falling out! the hair sfalling out because it dies and is replaced, replaced by new hair...but that new hair is also dead. "only very old hair is alive. only the small tips that are in the scalp of each one of us lives." said a man "the hair you see and touch is dead like elm leaves are right now."

it is a thing, to pet dead hair and feel good about it, or to pat a cat with much dead hair and hear it purr as you stroke something dead that cannot feel. scientists say it is truly wondrous, but that none of us will remember the wonder tomorrow.

birthdiva posted:

each time she calls he sees your number and must hang up


by franklin monroe, UA

this girl calls the man many times and during many different hours, buteach time she calls the man must hang up. "because of who i am and who she is when we talk we fight"

this is a terrbile tragedy for the girl and the man, who wants to hear her laugh.

Danny Manic posted:

Canada running out of laughter


by Brice Willard

Due to a recent upswing in Canadian comedy, Canada has been burning through its once-great surplus of laughter at an astonishing rate.

"At this rate," says marine biologist Dorroile, "we will not be able to sustain our laughter into the coming months."

A new "Get Serious" campaign saw the streets papered with flyers depicting a man with a solemn, stoic look on his face. The program failed to make any impact. "People saw the flyers, and they were already still pretty giggly, but the serious man just pushed them over the edge."

maxnmona posted:

Hearts cannot feel emotions

England[AP]- You do not feel with your heart horrible cold-hearted scientests announced yesterday, saying this to make up for their own inability to love.

The bad science men explained that the heart can only pump blood and if you feel sad or joyful that is your brain and not your heart. Whether tears come directly from the heart is still uncertain despite the meddling of these pathetic robot-like men who can feel nothing but jealously for normal people.

I hate these scientest men, I hate them with my heart.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.