Hey, it's spring now, which means it's the start of what we in the Midwest call "water-drinkin' season." After a winter spent as a hibernating husk, it's time to brave the muggy heat with a canteen on your hip! If you're going to a gym, you should probably bring a sports-style bottle instead of a canteen, or someone will look you dead in the eye and say something like (mockingly) "hey buddy, take a hike with that thing!" or (poignantly) "you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din." However, if you do bring a sports-style bottle, be prepared to face these witty barbs from FYAD's list of hydration quips!

no they will not

  • Someone's a thirsty boy, haha drink up
  • [exaggerated drinking noises]
  • [pretending to look around] uhhh... Where's the marathon?

Prefuse

  • jesus christ...idiocracy really was a documentary *roll your eyes while saying this*

  • calm down buddy the bottle aint going anyhere haha
  • [in a really nerdy voice] The Gatorade Company, Inc. is a brand of sports-themed beverage and food products, built around its signature line of sports drinks. Gatorade is currently manufactured by PepsiCo and distributed in over 80 countries.[3] The beverage was first developed in 1965 by researchers at the University of Florida, to replenish the combination of water, carbohydrates, and electrolytes that the school's student-athletes lost in sweat during rigorous athletic competitions. Its name was derived from the collective nickname of the university's athletic teams, the Florida Gators.

Daikatana Ritsu

Determination. Strength. Fitness. Lemon-lime. Grape.

Daikatana Ritsu

Football Guy: Sometimes we freeze up the sports drinks and make lil slushies out of em. Hydration and fun, woouah.

no they will not

[at the gym] doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer the bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.

[near the gym] pretty funny to see you drinking that water when you could be working out for health and aesthetics

[far away from the gym] most days I do actually work out but this is my "day off" since I've been so good recently haha

James Hardon

*Searching pockets* Let me guess, plain water again? Jesus Christ. *Finds Crystal Light packet and tears it open* Yeah that's all well and good for some people, but me *Pours contents of packet into my own sports bottle* I actually like flavor in my beverages. *Shakes bottle, uncaps it and takes a long swig* Fucking homo.

no they will not

[if the guy drinking is gay] hey, I see you're enjoying sucking on that water bottle. Sucking it right down and drinking the fluids. *mimes sucking a woman's titty* freud much

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.