Something Awful has always been a place where Goons could gather to discuss how things that bring happiness to many - pop music, the XboxOne, healthy foods and exercise - are actually bad. Normally people would have to visit several different SA subforums to weigh in on all the popular things they hate (unless their complaint was video-game-related, in which case there's a relevant thread on every page of every subforum). However, poster man that's gross consolidated all his gripes in one handy thread, where he invited people to share their favorite pastimes/memories/states of being, and responded by telling them three reasons why those things are, in fact, terrible!

my new dog

playing my saxophone

  • you're probably worse than you think.
  • saxophones just ruin songs. no song has ever been improved by a saxophone.
  • you probably make a face like SURPRISE DICK IN MY ASS every time you play it.

Police Automaton

the smile of a pretty woman directed at me

  • shes probably looking at someone behind you
  • shes probably just being friendly and now youre going to glom onto her like a pathetic turd
  • beauty fades, people grow old, and die

Megadyptes

tits

  • makes men into goober-eyed retards. 2014 and we still drool all over our own dicks at the sight of a likely excellent source of nourishment for our future offspring. lamentable.
  • the shame and self-consciousness women must endure when their breasts arent perfect. too big or too small and they are the subject of ridicule or derision. shameful.
  • tittyfucking is so stupid. its such a clumbsy retard dumbass thing to do. only a fucktard man could ever want something so idiot.

Piss Sodastream

I chopped off my hair and donated it to locks of love once, it is a fond memory.

  • wow, hair. im sure that will make the experience of dying in horrible pain and/or destroying your family with crippling debt more pleasant.
  • just another bullshit way for people to think they're doing something when they're not. you didn't cut your hair for a while then did. wow. amazing. the world thanks you.
  • when people asked if you got a hair cut you probably told them you donated it to locks of love without any prompting whatsoever. i hate ppl like you.

Null Byte

this gif

  • stupid
  • i dont care
  • anime

Disgusting Coward

Wrecking a dude with a sweet seoi nage.

  • there will always be someone out there stronger and faster than you that will crush you
  • no amount of physical training can ever protect you from the inevitable decline of old age and eventual death
  • hardly anybody cares about judo, you're just pissing in the wind

The Brown Menace

crushing my enemies utterly

  • violence begets violence, you have likely created 10 new foes with each you vanquish
  • does nothing to stop the hidden threats within your realm. the knife that ends your life will likely be in a hand youve taken in friendship a thousand times
  • even the mightiest of emperors are powerless in the face of death, and are doomed to be lost and forgotten in the annals of history. your victories mean less than nothing

nomadologique

reading books

  • good books may expand your dreams beyond your abilities, leading to a lifetime of disappointment
  • self-help books exist and are terrible
  • the bible

Val

nothing

  • boring as fuck
  • literally the worst IE "its better than nothing"
  • the reality of actual, true nothingness is absolutely crippling in its immensity

Sabel

Patrick Nagel art
RetroWave
Study, simulation, analysis, etc of dynamical systems

you get one each because what the fuck

  • 1. 80s as fuck
  • 2. oh wow a new genre of music based on parroting an old genre of music sign me the fuck up
  • 3. the wiki article on dynamical systems doesnt seem to have a "how this has ever helped anyone, ever" section

Gypsum Fantastic

The H.R. 3370: Homeowner Flood Insurance Affordability Act of 2013.

  • probably will not result in actual affordability, but will instead be another sensual massage to completion for insurance companies like obamacare
  • why the hell should i have to pay more because some other dicknose decided to build his fuck-farm at the bottom of a dry lake bed?
  • better insurance rates wont help you when you drown to death
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