Cancelling Your Huckalerts Subscription
|It's hard to imagine a man less-suited to wear the mantle of President of the United States of America than Mike Huckabee. The long shot Republican Presidential candidate and former Arkansas Governor is an unrepentant hillbilly who brags about cooking squirrels in popcorn poppers. He and his unspeaking wife, who looks perpetually startled, have raised a family of extremely large sons known for their largeness and propensity for torturing stray dogs.
Naturally, I love Mike Huckabee, and when I learned an acquaintance of mine by the name of Jared was an honest-to-god Huckabee supporter I felt the need to prank him. This prank represents the culmination of more than two weeks of harassing instant messages in which I impersonated a fictional Huckabee campaign update service called "Huckalerts". I sent him approximately 30 Huckalerts over the course of those two weeks and many were received without comment from Jared.
What follows is his final battle with Huckalerts.
Huckalerts: Hi! Huckalerts is your source for Mike Huckabee information and updates.
Mike Huckabee is currently in VIRGINIA. Upcoming events in VIRGINIA include:
* HUCKASTOP - CATCH FORMER GOVERNOR HUCKABEE AT THE SAINT BATTROID'S CHURCH OF THE SOLIPSISTIC REDEEMER. HE HAS SOME COMMENTS ABOUT GAYS AND A JOKE ABOUT EATING A FRITTER. HE WILL BE THERE FROM 7:00 PM TO 6:30 PM.
* HUCKASTOP - MIKE HUCKABEE WILL BE STOPPING TO CHAT WITH VOTERS AT D'ARTAGNAN'S CORINTHIAN BUBBLE DINER IN CORNHOUSE, VA FROM 8:00 TO 9:00 PM. HE WILL BE AVAILABLE AFTER HIS COMMENTS TO HUG A BITCH.
* HUCKABEE TALKS TO BABIES - 300 BABIES OF ALL COLORS IN A ROW + MIKE HUCKABEE = CAMPAIGN EVENT OF THE SEASON. BE THERE AT FORT LARAMO CANYON BATTLER HIGH SCHOOL ON FEB. 10 AT 11:30 PM.
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Huckalerts: HI! Huckalerts has received a message from you, but we're not sure what to make of it! Your message was
Did you mean to type UNSUBSCRIBE?
Huckalerts: Hi! Thank you for subscribing to Huckafacts! We are glad you are excited about Mike Huckabee!
Did you know...MIKE HUCKABEE SUPPORTS TOBACCO BIODIESEL? IT'S A HUCKAFACT!
You can donate to Mike Huckabee's campaign at MikeHuckabee.com. Join the Huckaarmy.
Huckalerts: You have UNSUBSCRIBED from the Huckaarmy mailing list! We're sorry to see you desert your post, soldier. Please enter a reason for betraying your fellow Huckawarriors.
Huckalerts: Hi! Huckalerts has received two messages from you in a row that we can't understand. If you would like to speak to a live representative then type HUCKAHELP.
Huckalerts: Was that HUCKAHELP?
Huckalerts: Hi! Thank you for joining the Huckahelp volunteer activism group! We provide updates and information about how you can contribute to the Huckacause in your area.
In ILLINOIS we currently have NO EVENTS scheduled.
These events include:
* PLACEHOLDER EVENT - NULL EVENT - EVENT TEXT GOES HERE
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Huckalerts: Thank you for requesting live assistance! We can't wait to talk to you about Mike Huckabee. Please be patient.