Dear SkyMall: Part 1
By now you have no doubt received the latest letter from David Thorpe.
First, let me assure you that my head is perfectly normal in size. It's not too small and certainly not dangerously close to hemorrhaging grotesque fluids all over the excellent Head Spa Massager. When juxtaposed with David Thorpe I freely admit that my head does appear small, but only because his is so terrifyingly engorged. It's like a prize-winning pumpkin that's been pumped full of ranch dressing and left to linger in the sun for a few months.
Second, my financial situation is irrelevant to this discussion. David Thorpe may have control over some of my finances, but I have taken a secret second job that earns me a fair amount of discretionary income. I am currently suing David Thorpe in small claims court over mismanagement and embezzlement. Thorpe has siphoned off over $45 from the account for personal use.
Finally, please disregard my previous offer for the Head Spa Massager and replacement filters for the Ceramic Pet Fountain. I have recently come into a windfall of cash, and would like to bid $59.99 on item #ZDH103A, the Nano-UV Wand. I just have one question: does it detect invisible fecal matter? I suspect there is a hefty amount of fecal matter in David Thorpe's cubicle. I'm not saying it's his fecal matter, just that it's there and invisible to the naked eye. As he sits next to me I feel the need to protect myself. Please do not cash the attached check if it does not detect fecal matter.
Please update your executive staff and board of directors on these developments.
I've placed several calls to my bank, and it seems as though you still haven't negotiated my recent check for $18.11. I can only assume you've chosen to give me the Head Spa Massager (item #TH396A) for free, as a reward for my years of loyal SkyMall patronage. Thank you very much! I still haven't received the item, so I'd be delighted if you could also expedite the shipping process somehow.
I'd also like to add an additional item to my order: #171 09 02, the Laguiole 6-Piece Cheese Knife set. I have $45 in a bank account in the Cayman Islands that I need to liquidate as quickly as possible. Please send me your bank account information so I can make a direct transfer; $45 is fully 75% of the retail price, so I'm sure you'll find the offer more than satisfactory.
Since I'm giving you such a high price for the items, I trust that you'll be amenable to a few extra requests:
- Can we keep this transaction "under the table"? I'd prefer to leave no paper trail, for legal reasons.
- Can I also get this shipped as quickly as possible, preferably same-day? A dear friend of mine, Joshua Boruff, recently made me aware of a serious medical problem involving fluid buildup in my head, and I need the knives very quickly so that I can perform some minor outpatient self-surgery.
- Lastly, I'd like to use my power of attorney over Joshua Boruff's estate to cancel a recent order he placed for the Nano-UV Wand (#ZDH103A). He intends to use it to detect fecal matter in my cubicle at work, and I worry that his findings may affect our friendship and our professional relationship. Or, if possible, could you send him a "dummy model" which fails to detect fecal matter? Or, better yet, a modified UV Wand that registers fecal matter as something inoffensive, like "hygiene minerals" or "cubicle work byproducts"?
Thank you. Also, please forgive my previous insults against Joshua Boruff, as it turns out he was just concerned about my huge, fluid-filled head, which I did not notice because I don't own any mirrors, and he really had my best interests at heart. I find myself suddenly filled with fondness and affection for him. If you could see to it to send him a special gift, free of charge, I would very much appreciate it.
Your loyal customer,
Stay tuned for tomorrow's exciting conclusion!