HALT, YOU! Before reading this article you must first audit the preceding chapter, available here.
Can you please forward me your most recent correspondence with David Thorpe? I have no idea what you said to him, but he's acting really strange all of a sudden. There's a little too much eye contact right now, and his eyes are oozing out lots of viscous fluids.
I haven't heard back from you about item #ZDH103. Are you out of stock, or does it not detect fecal matter? Either way, I'd like to cancel that order. I've been checking out item #NG-335051D, The Peeing Boy of Brussels. Do you sell a version of this peeing statue with an adult lady instead of a boy? A thousand pardons for my language, but I don't want to spend my days staring at a baby's wiener. If you've got a hot lady peeing statue, I'm willing to offer a solid $50, provided you can accept payment in two installments. I've included a check for the first installment of $14.38. The second installment of $35.62 will arrive three months after I receive the statue.
In case you guys were wondering about my financial situation, I recently scored a major victory in small claims court. I was able to negotiate a "buyout." I've regained total control of my finances, and all I had to do was give Thorpe the earnings from my secret second job. If you could apprise your executives and board of this development I would appreciate it. I'd like them to feel confident about any transactions going forward.
Eager to close this sale,
P.S. If you could put the statue in an inconspicuous box that would be good.
Thanks in advance for all the items I ordered. I still haven't received any of them, but I know you're hard at work getting them to me as quickly as possible.
I've been very emotional lately, SkyMall. It may just be the gallons of putrefying fluids pushing against my brain, but my love for Josh Boruff (and for SkyMall) has been growing by the day. I find myself crying often when I gaze at him over my cubicle wall, and my brown, greasy tears have left trails on my face. That's why I've included a seventeen quarters ($4.25) in this envelope; I'm hoping you can send me one dose of "Angel Eyes," the dog supplement that prevents tear stains. I realize the smallest available bottle costs $24.95, but maybe you could just pop open a bottle and dig out $4.25 worth.
Does it work on people? If not, please send me back my quarters. It would be great if you could send me four dollar bills and one quarter, actually, for the sake of my convenience.
Elsewhere, in Joshua Boruff news, I have developed some major concerns about his wellbeing. The relative size of our heads is becoming too alarming to ignore. Either my head is getting larger and larger, or his head is getting smaller, or both. Can you reread his old letters to you and see if you can find any textual evidence by which to glean the size of his head over time?
Also, I'm very worried that he may have placed an inappropriate SkyMall order. I know he's an avid SkyMall shopper-- in fact, I don't think he shops anywhere else-- and some recent emails to our company's human resources department have frightened me. He keeps asking the HR lady about the company's "Erotic Statuary Policy," and about whether it can be updated to allow new erotic statue acts in keeping with society's changing sexual values.
I beg of you: if he's ordered any erotic statues, please replace his order with something more wholesome of comparable value. May I suggest item #82474A, the Giant 8" Cupcake? Or is the word "cupcake" too suggestive/arousing in itself? Please, just send him the most nonsexual item you have available.
Can you please let me know what David Thorpe said in his last letter? He wouldn't let me read it and let slip that he might have intervened in my recent attempts to purchase a statue of a naked lady peeing. As I explained to our HR woman, the statue would not be peeing actual urine and thus there would be no unusual odors or health risks. That would be disgusting. Either way, it's nobody's business but my own whether I want to purchase and display tasteful statuary.
Also, you might want to consider the long-term ramifications of doing business with somebody like David Thorpe. Allowing him to continue intruding in our perfectly valid business transactions is only going to cost you money in the long run. I suggest you blacklist him. To ensure he isn't able to pick up any future copies of the SkyMall catalog, I have been making repeated calls to all the airlines asking them to add him to the no-fly list. With his head so big, it's not a good idea for him to fly anyway. The change in pressure would likely cause his putrid gourd to explode.
Do you guys know if being surrounded by invisible fecal matter could cause the sort of head-related health problems David suffers from? While he is a jerk and a threat to your business, he did get me through some dark times by managing my finances. Thankfully, I have regained control of my estate and I'm proud to say I have over $85 dollars in my savings account.
I'd hate to see him die and if there's a product you sell that could help him, I'd be interested in making an offer.
With great fondness,
P.S. Can you please provide a tracking number for the statue I purchased? I assume you're going to cash the first check after I get the statue, which is fine by me.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.