Great Moments in Commercial Aviation, Chapter 11
Flying sure has changed since 9/11.
Since September 11th airliners have had it hard. With the fear of terrorism and rising fuel prices people just don't want to fly anymore. This has sent many if not all airlines into a financial tailspin. Some were even forced to file bankruptcy. With so many airlines operating in the red one plucky company has taken drastic measures to find new sources of revenue.
Struggling airlines, looking for new ways to generate revenue, are getting bolder about charging for pretty much anything that makes air travel a little more comfortable -- including aisle seats.
First came charging passengers for in-flight meals. Then, reservations done by phone cost extra. And now, one major airline, Northwest, is trying to charge passengers for the right to sit in aisle seats and emergency-exit rows.
I, for one, am appalled at this. The emergency exit seat was once a great honor for the person who sat there was given a monumental responsibility should the plane have an emergency. It was bestowed to the most courageous passenger on a flight who knew how to open a door. Now would-be keepers of the emergency exit can just buy their way into the esteemed position. Many of us have earned that seat through backbreaking work, sheer force of will, and an intense desire to have more legroom. Charging for that seat belittles what it represents.
But it doesn't stop there. At the end of the article they explain that more nickel and diming is to come.
The possibilities for special fees are almost limitless, Trippler said. Airlines just need to be creative.
"This is all gravy," he said.
Now they are going to start charging extra for gravy?! This is outrageous. With a furrow of my brow I stroked my chin and wondered just how creative these airlines could get. I decided to go undercover to find out just that. What I found was shocking. An internal memo from Northwest Airlines detailing their schemes to put the pinch on your wallet. Find out their horrible, horrible plans below.
Internal Memo - CAUTION: DON'T LET SOMETHING AWFUL SEE THIS
To: Marketing; CEO; Airline Operations; Grandma
From: President of Gouging
Subject: R@RE L@@K New Pricing Guidelines and Cost Cutting Measures!!!! L@@K R@RE
As many of you well know the past few years have been hard for Northwest Airlines. While we are committed to customer satisfaction and quality we aren't that committed for Christ's sake. Give us a break here! These fuel prices are busting our asses. The days of pillows, in-flight meals, 2-ply toilet paper, and landing at the correct airport are over. We've got to raise prices and charge for every little thing someone could possibly enjoy on our airplanes.
Our crack team of marketing geniuses were up all night making this list and playing footsie under the board room table. Then we had a sleepover and told ghost stories. Effective immediately the following price changes and policy measures will be implemented.
Charging extra fees for aisle and emergency exit seats has been a smashing financial success. In addition we will now charge passengers extra to sit in other high demand areas of the plane including the pilot's lap, the wing, and inside the cabin.
For only $100 more passengers may ride on a celebrity flight with special guest captains Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Peter Graves.
Please change the flight announcement, "You are now free to move about the cabin" to "You are now free to move about the cabin, IF YOU'VE GOT DA BENJAMINS."
For only $50 extra per ticket passengers can experience their flight on a plane with landing gear. Otherwise our special "tuck and roll landing" flights remain the same low regular price!
For $25 extra passengers can purchase a special souvenir picture of themselves and their family coming in for a landing like on log rides. Say cheese!
Get seated near a crying baby again? For just $125 more we can have all children on the flight killed. Just say the word!
We've added a ton of new destinations! Fly from Los Angeles, CA to Orange County, CA for just $119.99! Laughlin, NV to Las Vegas, NV for just $99.99! Fly in comfort and style from your front door to your car in the driveway for just $89.99! Disclaimer: For all flights passengers will be driven to their destination on a bus or carried by one of our customer service representatives.
Our pilots aren't just great at flying planes! They also do parties. Just call 1-800-CLOWN-PILOT to book a captain for your birthday or bar mitzvah.In addition to the fuel surcharge, the 9/11 tax recovery fee, and other taxes, we must now charge the public airspace tax, the cloud tax, and the big fat ass tax on all flights. These taxes are retroactive. If you've ever flown on a plane before some guys are coming for you. That goes double for those of you with fat asses.
As a coach I would choose not to pay $15 extra per flight.
All flights are "BYOJ" (Bring Your Own Jet Fuel).
We proudly take Visa, MasterCard, and American Express. We less proudly take blood, human hair, first-born children, broken bits of glass, and Discover Card. Sorry, we do not accept Paypal.
New profits don't just come from the
poor bastardspassengers flying with us. Customers on the ground are an untapped source of revenue. We have now installed coin-operated laser pointers near all runways where we fly. Blind a pilot, win a teddy bear!
All pilots are encouraged to siphon jet fuel from other airliners. Guard our own jet fuel with your life. He who controls the spice, controls the universe.
No talking on all flights. Conversation takes up expensive oxygen.
For only $199.99 plus tax we'll fly into a skyscraper of your choice.
NO FAT CHICKS.
Despite cutbacks we've added brand new planes to our fleet. Check them out here! Hop in! I said, hop in.
We will now
stealpay homage to classic Simpsons gags in every update. Wait, that's from the Something Awful memo. Scratch that.
For only $49.99 passengers may carry on their own firearms and play cowboys and indians during their flight.
Due to the rising cost of spittoons all spitting will be confined to special spit-only sections of the plane. An additional surcharge may apply. Who are we kidding. It will apply.
Unfortunately while these cost-cutting measures are unavoidable we intend to give passengers the top of the line quality and service they've come to expect from Northwest Airlines. And if they don't like it, FUCK 'EM!
President of Gouging
There you have it folks. An exclusive stolen memo from Northwest Airlines. As a great rap group once said, "Fuck tha police." Keep this in mind when you book your next flight. As airlines fall further and further into the financial abyss the nickel and diming is only going to get worse.
I guess someone didn't have their 11 doses of caffeine this morning...