FluffFacts: A Labyrinth of Trivia Awaits You
Unlike inferior sandwich-compatible gelatin like Miracle Whip, the nearly 100-year history of Marshmallow Fluff may be just as entertaining as digging into a fresh jar of our delicious treat with a wooden spoon and absolutely no regard for your own life! So enjoy these fascinating facts about our product. We kindly ask that you do not share them with your friends, as they are copyright-protected.
- According to official autopsy reports, Marshmallow Fluff was one of the leading causes of death for famous entertainers such as Elvis Presley, Mama Cass, and John Belushi. So, when you eat Marshmallow Fluff, you're literally eating history!
- In the late 1960s, when World Trade Center contractors ran out of concrete for the foundation of what would be one of America's tallest buildings, we were there with truckloads upon truckloads of Marshmallow Fluff to help pick up the slack. America may never forget the tragedy of September 11th, 2001, but we hope they also don't forget the comforting smell of toasted marshmallows in the air that day!
- America eats literally 37 jars of Marshmallow Fluff every year. If you sent all of that Fluff over the Niagara Falls, it would take almost twenty seconds to hit the bottom!
- Silent screen great Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle was the official spokesperson for Marshmallow Fluff until his unfortunate scandal caused our product to be known as "Rape Salve." Sales were never higher.
- If you gathered together all of the Fluff produced in the last 90 years, you would probably be found guilty of theft and time travel!
- Marshmallow Fluff makes the perfect addition to any food that doesn't currently contain high-fructose corn syrup.
- When used in tandem with "the mucus method," Marshmallow Fluff can assist in all of your family planning needs!
- Look out, politics! We've successfully lobbied to have the next Palin child named "Fluff."
- Fluff is Kosher! However, if you are a Muslim and eat it, you will explode.
- Our fierce competition with marmalade caused a 2% drop in marmalade sales from the months of October to December of 2008. Good work, boys!
- Can't eat anymore? You'll find a dollop of Marshmallow Fluff will help just about any piece of food slide down your throat, no matter how much your digestive system may try to resist.
With so much Fluff information under your belt, you're undoubtedly ready to abandon your wife and children for a new life of smearing our delicious treat over the finest graham crackers money can buy. But before you let slip the world-famous words of "Daddy will be right back," we ask that you read the following disclaimer made mandatory by the 1997 case, The People of Missouri v. Marshmallow Fluff, Inc. As much as we don't like to spread government-mandated lies, this much is true: Marshmallow Fluff alone has never killed a man. Of course, that will be debated in another civil suit later this year. Fluff ahoy!
For entertainment purposes only. Under no circumstances should Marshmallow Fluff be placed on or near the mucous membranes or genitals. When playing with Marshmallow Fluff, always wear gloves and wash your hands with a strong anti-bacterial soap afterward. Causes irreversible eye damage. If infection occurs during use, consult a local poison control center immediately. Do not dispose of Marshmallow Fluff via sewage or garbage system; contact your state government for the location of a disposal center. If a pet consumes Marshmallow Fluff, bury them immediately under thick dirt and roll a large rock on top of the makeshift grave. Do not pretend like you're going to put Marshmallow Fluff in your mouth just to gross out your friends. Warning: burns but does not consume. Marshmallow Fluff has been found to cause the following disorders in lab rats: gum cancer, blindness, ingrown hairs, and rampant bisexuality. Only open jars of Marshmallow Fluff outside in a well-ventilated area close to civilization. For more on the dangers of Marshmallow Fluff, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to "Help!" care of the Food and Drug Administration, P.O. Box 9142, Pueblo, Colorado 81003.