Now available at Costco and Sam's Club in our new "fun size" package.Unlike inferior sandwich-compatible gelatin like Miracle Whip, the nearly 100-year history of Marshmallow Fluff may be just as entertaining as digging into a fresh jar of our delicious treat with a wooden spoon and absolutely no regard for your own life! So enjoy these fascinating facts about our product. We kindly ask that you do not share them with your friends, as they are copyright-protected.
With so much Fluff information under your belt, you're undoubtedly ready to abandon your wife and children for a new life of smearing our delicious treat over the finest graham crackers money can buy. But before you let slip the world-famous words of "Daddy will be right back," we ask that you read the following disclaimer made mandatory by the 1997 case, The People of Missouri v. Marshmallow Fluff, Inc. As much as we don't like to spread government-mandated lies, this much is true: Marshmallow Fluff alone has never killed a man. Of course, that will be debated in another civil suit later this year. Fluff ahoy!
Send in a picture of your child enjoying Fluff to our prison aid program and warm the heart of a convict who can't wait to see an infant's face smeared in white goo!
For entertainment purposes only. Under no circumstances should Marshmallow Fluff be placed on or near the mucous membranes or genitals. When playing with Marshmallow Fluff, always wear gloves and wash your hands with a strong anti-bacterial soap afterward. Causes irreversible eye damage. If infection occurs during use, consult a local poison control center immediately. Do not dispose of Marshmallow Fluff via sewage or garbage system; contact your state government for the location of a disposal center. If a pet consumes Marshmallow Fluff, bury them immediately under thick dirt and roll a large rock on top of the makeshift grave. Do not pretend like you're going to put Marshmallow Fluff in your mouth just to gross out your friends. Warning: burns but does not consume. Marshmallow Fluff has been found to cause the following disorders in lab rats: gum cancer, blindness, ingrown hairs, and rampant bisexuality. Only open jars of Marshmallow Fluff outside in a well-ventilated area close to civilization. For more on the dangers of Marshmallow Fluff, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to "Help!" care of the Food and Drug Administration, P.O. Box 9142, Pueblo, Colorado 81003.
BREAKING NOW: a story so dangerous that there are those within our government that might kill to keep it from getting out.
Ma'am, what if I told you I have the miracle of a lifetime right here in this briefcase?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.