"Hot dogs, get your hot dogs here!" - Sun Tzu

Says Moof.


Today's Update

Is a sequel to the first Boruff and Davies Catalogue Co. update, which I did in October of last year. The first one was kind of a nightmare because of all sorts of technical problems, and this one was exactly the same. My keyboard went out midway through making it, then when I went to hook up a new keyboard, I bumped my power cord, which was apparently loose, and lost some work. Doh. Besides all that, it was fun.

I went with a shorter approach, as I have been doing with most of my updates lately. I love doing these and will probably do many more before I beat the joke to death. Like the previous Boruff & Davies Catalogue Co. update, Tom Davies had nothing to do with it. I just thought it sounded better with another name in it and I'm used to stealing from him.

Five years, what a surprise

As of this weekish, I have been writing for Something Awful for 5 years. I think I've done just about 250 updates, and a similar number of Photoshop Phridays. I'm still kind of baffled how all this has happened, as I never had any intention to become a writer. I still don't really consider myself one, and that's the excuse I will continue to use for shabby workmanship until the day I die.

But it's been five years and I've apparently somehow pulled around 250 updates out of my ass. When I first started, I didn't think I'd manage enough ideas to do ten updates. Now ten is probably the number of updates I would go back and delete if I were allowed to. I think that's about 250,000 words that I've written, which is maybe equivalent to the first chapter of one of those Lord of the Rings books.

The Good

Getting to write alongside funny people like Rich Kyanka, Zack Parsons, David Thorpe, Reid Paskiewicz, Taylor Bell, Scotty Delbango, Jed Kirchner, Shmorky, and Kevin Bowen, who was a big inspiration to me growing up, even though he is a mere two years my chronological better. Meeting swell friends like Tom "Moof" Davies, who I don't hate and do not wish ill will upon, and Caylen "Abraham" Borroughs. Being a mentor and inspiration to DocEvil, though he does not realize this yet.

Getting to show off neat and funny images made by our forum goons to a larger audience each week.

Getting to write nonsense for a large audience of people who are consumed with hatred for my updates, yet get bent out of shape if I don't post chatlogs.

Getting insane pieces of hatemail for the strangest things. I have been threatened with death and lawsuits from furries, religious zealots, confused republicans, angry New Yorkers, and cowboy poets. Should any one of these groups ever succeed at bringing about my demise, I should end up with a pretty hilarious downfall.

Watching crazy people fixate on bringing Something Awful down, so frenzied in their rage against Rich Kyanka's evil schemes that they are compelled to dedicate at least an hour a day to complaining and plotting nefarious attacks. Most often because they couldn't follow simple rules and got banned from our forums.

The Bad

I don't have a lot of complaints about this job, and the biggest ones I do have are always temporary. Like, "Oh, god, why do I have to try to be funny right now?" Then I remember I have a job writing complete idiocy on the Internet, and all frustrations subside, since there is no way to take such a job seriously.

I suppose my only other complaint is one that I know I share with the other writers. Whenever I work my ass off on an update that I'm really proud of, I get next to no feedback, if any at all. Then when I write some update I'm ashamed of because I feel like it's cheap laughs, I get tons of positive feedback. Go figure.

My Favorite Updates

I can't remember half the shit I've written, but I suppose these are the ones I most fondly remember and feel the least shame for. If you want to read some more crap by me here is some more crap by me to read.

  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2051']The Modern Dilemma of the Hot Dog[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2076']Vicious Wash Cycles[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2609']Last Days of the Peanut Butter Mines[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=1859']On the Importance of Grappling Hooks and Jetpacks[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/search.php?query=&author_name=DynaMars+Corporation+Information+Kiosk&column_id=-1&submit=Submit']DynaMars Updates[/url] (all of them except the first one, which I now think sucks).
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2951']Thus Spake Adventure[/url] (and it's four sequels)
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3840']Busy Town Police Blotter for Memorial Day Weekend[/url]
  • The Senior Living series, co-written with David Thorpe ([url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3319']Part 1[/url], [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3322']Part 2[/url], [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4178']Part 3[/url], [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4179']Part 4[/url]).
  • Hearts of Spandex ([url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=1653']Part 1[/url] and [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=1664']Part 2[/url])
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2281']Wrestling with Stupidity[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2324']Revenge at All Costs[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2363']The Corn Memoirs[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=2453']A Journey to the Future[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3005']Small Town, USA of the Dead[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3721']Year of the Dragon Shirt[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4006']A Blogostar is Born [/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3138']My True Story of Survival Against Many Odds[/url]
  • [url='http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3203']My Most Recent True Story of Survival Against All Odds[/url]
  • The formatting on half of those is broken because of a Gypsy curse.

    A Great Picture of a Goon

    The Apple Does Not Fall Far from the History Tree with Tom "Moof" Davies

    Moof: livestock are you going to buy an apple iPhone
    Moof: it looks neat as bones but it is as expensive as stones
    Livestock: i'm going to buy an apple
    Moof: what kind
    Moof: golden delicious :)
    Livestock: washington
    Moof: they are delicious :)
    Moof: washington cut down a cherry tree
    Moof: like an asshole
    Livestock: that was lincoln
    Livestock: to prove gravity
    Moof: because he was mad that a cherry fell on his head during a thunderstorm because there was a key attached to it
    Livestock: and they were his car keys and he wanted them back
    Moof: yes
    Moof: and that boy livestock
    Moof: that boy grew up to be dale earnhardt
    Moof: and that is how we have apples :)
    Livestock: history is stranger than fiction
    Livestock: but always right

    – Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

    More Mooflogs

    This Week on Something Awful...

    • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

      Meditations from a Movable Weiner

      Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

    • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

      BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

      Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

    Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.