Annual Festival Safety Report (Pakistan is Just the Dumbest Country)
Nearly half of the dogs at this year's All-UK Dog Show found to be small people in dog's outfits. Entire stock of dogs killed just to be sure.
California Diving Championship officials call swimming pool full of sulferic acid "a light hearted prank" but admit that electrocuting survivors "went too far."
Deadly virus released at The Deadly Virus Releasing Festival. Event organizers declare the day a success.
Detroit Rap Festival inexplicably invaded by black people. White rap fans report feelings of "discomfort" and "outrage."
- This month's Candlelight Banquet In A Small Straw Hut turned out badly.
- An accidental swear word at a Boulder high school Varsity Football Game opened up a portal to hell in the end zone, instantly incinerating all of the players and most of the spectators. One survivor reported that it was "the best damn game of football I've ever seen."
- The grand opening of a La-Z-Boy factory was interrupted by a man dressed in tights and a cape announcing his new role as protector of the city. The man was then shot down by a former army sniper suffering an acid flashback. One, apparently drunken, spectator said it was "the best damn game of football I've ever seen."
- The Michigan Unbirth Festival will be delayed until suitably sized vaginas can be located.
- 1 feared dead at world's first Good Friday. Coroner's report inconclusive.
Thanks to Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka and Evan "Pantsfish" Wade for writing some of the jokes. Lowtax wrote the funny ones. Pantsfish wrote the one about kicking people in the nuts.