Google Future - The Oil Apocalypse
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Gas Prices Soar to Three Slave Girls Per GallonCNN - July 26th, 2014BY VERTIGO HATELORD The national average for a price of a gallon of gasoline rose Tuesday from two slave girls and a live pig to three slave girls. Some analysts predict that we may be only weeks away from four slave girl a gallon gas. In some areas prices have already reached three slave girls and a box of shotgun shells. "I don't know how many families I've had to turn away because their daughters were just too young or ugly," explained one Petro Warlord who wished to remain anonymous but had sharpened teeth. "It's a shame the crazed tribes of cannibals just outside the walls will probably get them, but you've got to have standards. Coincidentally, my 'no fatties' policy seems to work perfectly for the cannibals." 9.5 Quake Rocks Ruins That Used to Be Los Angeles MSNBC |
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Delta to Discontinue Metal Bird Service to Smoldering CratersAP - July 26th, 2014BY SHE WITH CAR AND GUN Delta, keepers of the metal birds, have announced that they will be discontinuing all conjurations of the great sky beasts to areas that have been hurt by the bright fires. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Ur-Shaman intoned ominously, "We've had to adjust to the changing times, but it's really hard to fuel a 747 with human teeth." Newest Death Race to Feature More Death, Less Race SI.com |
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General Motors Announces Plans to Consider Hybrid Automobile
Junktown Word Papers - July 29th, 2014By BULLET AVALANCHE Facing a 6,457th consecutive quarter of declining sales, General Motors announced plans to possibly, under certain circumstances, consider developing a fuel-efficient hybrid automobile. "We acknowledge the exorbitant cost of fuel," said GM spokesman Kyle Gutcarver. "That is why we have been taking steps to remove needlessly heavy metal spikes and chrome skulls from our vehicles. This is just a further refinement of that same commitment to fuel efficiency." Until the new car has been thought up, GM is advising frugal car shoppers to consider the 2014 Camaro, which uses fewer than 30% lead parts. Toyota Car Runs on Water, Plutonium Criticality Escape From NY Times |
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