Adult Slave Girl Shopper
Gas Prices Soar to Three Slave Girls Per GallonCNN - July 26th, 2014
BY VERTIGO HATELORD
The national average for a price of a gallon of gasoline rose Tuesday from two slave girls and a live pig to three slave girls. Some analysts predict that we may be only weeks away from four slave girl a gallon gas. In some areas prices have already reached three slave girls and a box of shotgun shells.
"I don't know how many families I've had to turn away because their daughters were just too young or ugly," explained one Petro Warlord who wished to remain anonymous but had sharpened teeth. "It's a shame the crazed tribes of cannibals just outside the walls will probably get them, but you've got to have standards. Coincidentally, my 'no fatties' policy seems to work perfectly for the cannibals."
9.5 Quake Rocks Ruins That Used to Be Los Angeles MSNBC
Metal Bird Enthusiast and Worshipper
Delta to Discontinue Metal Bird Service to Smoldering CratersAP - July 26th, 2014
BY SHE WITH CAR AND GUN
Delta, keepers of the metal birds, have announced that they will be discontinuing all conjurations of the great sky beasts to areas that have been hurt by the bright fires.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Ur-Shaman intoned ominously, "We've had to adjust to the changing times, but it's really hard to fuel a 747 with human teeth."
Newest Death Race to Feature More Death, Less Race SI.com
Killing Cars and Burning Corpses
General Motors Announces Plans to Consider Hybrid AutomobileJunktown Word Papers - July 29th, 2014
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.