Adult Slave Girl Shopper

Gas Prices Soar to Three Slave Girls Per Gallon

CNN - July 26th, 2014
BY VERTIGO HATELORD

The national average for a price of a gallon of gasoline rose Tuesday from two slave girls and a live pig to three slave girls. Some analysts predict that we may be only weeks away from four slave girl a gallon gas. In some areas prices have already reached three slave girls and a box of shotgun shells.

"I don't know how many families I've had to turn away because their daughters were just too young or ugly," explained one Petro Warlord who wished to remain anonymous but had sharpened teeth. "It's a shame the crazed tribes of cannibals just outside the walls will probably get them, but you've got to have standards. Coincidentally, my 'no fatties' policy seems to work perfectly for the cannibals."

9.5 Quake Rocks Ruins That Used to Be Los Angeles MSNBC
Skull Gulch Workers Complain of Long Commute, Crucifixions Lord Drudge
Slave Fancy - The Harem Crier - Nugenttown Today
all 2,433 news articles

Metal Bird Enthusiast and Worshipper

Delta to Discontinue Metal Bird Service to Smoldering Craters

AP - July 26th, 2014
BY SHE WITH CAR AND GUN

Delta, keepers of the metal birds, have announced that they will be discontinuing all conjurations of the great sky beasts to areas that have been hurt by the bright fires.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Ur-Shaman intoned ominously, "We've had to adjust to the changing times, but it's really hard to fuel a 747 with human teeth."

Newest Death Race to Feature More Death, Less Race SI.com
Airline May Require Super Mutants to Buy Five Tickets AP
Guns & Ammo & Car & Driver - Yurt - Loud Flying Beasts
all 609 news articles

Killing Cars and Burning Corpses

General Motors Announces Plans to Consider Hybrid Automobile

Junktown Word Papers - July 29th, 2014
By BULLET AVALANCHE

Facing a 6,457th consecutive quarter of declining sales, General Motors announced plans to possibly, under certain circumstances, consider developing a fuel-efficient hybrid automobile.

"We acknowledge the exorbitant cost of fuel," said GM spokesman Kyle Gutcarver. "That is why we have been taking steps to remove needlessly heavy metal spikes and chrome skulls from our vehicles. This is just a further refinement of that same commitment to fuel efficiency."

Until the new car has been thought up, GM is advising frugal car shoppers to consider the 2014 Camaro, which uses fewer than 30% lead parts.

Toyota Car Runs on Water, Plutonium Criticality Escape From NY Times
Signal Second: New Highway Etiquette for Coaxial Harpoon Guns UPI
Road & Ditch - Mad Maximum - Auto Traitor
all 824 news articles

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.