Pocket Ninjas: FIRST STRIKE!
We here at Something Awful love legal threats. Not a week goes by where some fat, stupid, lazy white American threatens us for a series of nonexistent, fictional crimes against humanity which we perpetrated by engaging in the terrible crime of "writing for a website that nobody reads." I mean, hell, it would be too hard for these people to actually stop being retarded dopes; it's far easier to threaten us for calling them retarded dopes! This is America, home of the supersized lawsuit, where the answer to all our problems lies in hiring a man who stands in front of a bookcase firmly stating, "I will fight for YOUR rights!" while wearing a suit he won by suing a company that manufactures suits.
Our most recent lawsuit threat comes from "David Huey", the President / CEO of "CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT." Please note that "CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT" is in all capital letters. This means that when you are talking about their company in public, and may god have mercy on your soul if you actually do, you are required to say their name in a really deep, loud voice like you were announcing the starting lineup for the New York Yankees. "Say, Margo, did you hear of the newest moving picture released from CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT?" you will ask your friend as she pours you a glass of Bordeaux. "It's entitled 'Pocket Ninjas' and is an oddly gripping drama deeply entrenched in human emotion, a Hollywood tour-de-force which grabs you by the face and never lets go! CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT has raised the bar of direct-to-video productions once more!" Then you both have a chuckle and talk about the good old days with your chums Gatsby and Daisy.
David Huey, the President / CEO / Janitor / Chief Medical Expert in the Field of Volkswagen Golf Repair / Supreme Commander of CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT, recently graced my father with a lawsuit because it seems David Huey is too stupid to send legal threats to the correct person or house in a family. It seems Mr. Huey was a little upset by Ben "Greasnin" Platt's review of his awesome feature film "Pocket Ninjas," which naturally is the grounds for a lawsuit. I once heard these two kids outside the Hot Topic in Independence Mall talking about how stupid Something Awful was, and I was about to walk up to them and dish out a big fat handful of lawsuit, but I decided against it at the last minute because they were wearing these pretty scary Invader Zim t-shirts and I think one of them had their ear pierced. Instead I fled home and wrote about how much I hated them in my Livejournal, an update entitled "Nice guys always finish last :(" which additionally revealed my current mood at the time ("mad") and the current mp3 I was listening to at the time ("Radiohead / Pearly").
It seems Mr. Huey took time out of his busy schedule of writing lawsuit threats to other people so he could write a lawsuit threat to us, claiming we broke about 500 thousand different laws during our review of "Pocket Ninjas," which made us feel absolutely horrible. I mean, when I got this letter, I felt absolutely lousy, even worse than the time I went to the handicapped orphanage and told the kids I was bringing them all free candy but instead infected each and every one of them in the throat with AIDS. Mr. Huey decided to type up and mail his fancy threat on behalf of "Pocket Ninjas" director Dave Eddy, who I'm sure is very appreciative of his efforts and will gently caress his cheek with the utmost reverence when Mr. Huey rolls over in bed tonight. Let's take a look at Mr. Huey's complaints and address them point by point so I can prove to the world that this website was not created to simply harbor ill will towards the cinematic genius that is "Pocket Ninjas" and the eternal intelligence of the Dave brothers, Huey and Eddy.
POINT 1: The three page review of the motion picture "Pocket Ninjas" authored by Ben "Greasnin" Platt contain several malicious and untrue statements and personal attacks against Dave Eddy, CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT, and possible other private and business entities involved in the film "Pocket Ninjas". These statements include, but are not necessarily limited to:
A malicious unfounded personal attack: "...Dave Eddy, that unscrupulous shit..."
Well, first of all, that's not an unfounded attack. Dave Eddy made "Pocket Ninjas," which is plenty of reason to found an attack. In fact, I'd say that the creation of "Pocket Ninjas" was a malicious unfounded personal attack upon each and every member of the public who could possibly accidentally spend money to watch this movie. Besides, if we wanted to maliciously unfoundedly personally attackaly somebody, we'd do a better job of it. "Dave Eddy, a man who is routinely laughed out of whorehouses due to the size of his miniscule penis, directed this movie in addition to directing a constant stream of urine onto his wife's face last night." See, now THAT is a malicious unfounded personal attack. Of course we don't know if it's true or not; Dave might be gay. Or not have a penis.
POINT 2: A false portrayal of Dave Eddy as a drug addict: "It'll save us a bundle of time that I could otherwise be using to inject crushed up vicodin into my eyes."
We at NO POINT claimed Dave Eddy was a drug addict. He might have it completely under control and be able to stop whenever he wants to. For example, the full text of that quote might read, "It'll save us a bundle of time that I could otherwise be using to inject crushed up vicodin into my eyes. Not that I have a problem with drugs, I only do them recreationally and can stop if I really wanted to. I just don't want to. You know what, maybe you're the one with the problem, you ever think about that?" I don't think that injecting crushed up vicodin into your eyes necessarily implies you are a drug addict. At worst, it means you've got some vision problems, but you're too bombed out of your mind to care. And besides, a drug problem is only a "problem" if you want it to be. Perhaps Dave #2 is ashamed of a particular habit of his? Monkeys are for the zoo, Dave, not your back!
POINT 3: Several false portrayals of Dave Eddy's professional abilities such as: "They can't even manage to sit still long enough for Dave Eddy to get one shot that he can use over and over again, as is his way." is one comment used to describe a scene directed by someone else.
Okay, well I'll willingly accept the blame here, because our copy of "Pocket Ninjas" did not come with the "DX Ultimate Director's Cut" version that included subtitles detailing which director directed each scene. I remember specifically asking Ben to be careful on this point. "Ben," I shouted over the Internet. "Make sure you credit the correct scene to the correct director in your review of 'Pocket Ninjas' or else I have a bad feeling we'll get a nasty letter from an irate Dave in California." Of course Ben did not hear me, as he was too busy injecting crushed up vicodin into his eyes to read my shouting AIM messages. but I at least tried.
We here at Something Awful pride our journalistic integrity and often have a hard time sleeping at night if we even suspect there's a factual error in a review of movie as powerful as "Pocket Ninjas." I place the blame on this directorial snafu on Dave Eddy, who failed to include a gigantic sign reading "THIS SCENE DIRECTED BY:" at the bottom of the video in every shot. Please note that Mr. Huey's threatening letter did NOT inform us who actually directed this particular scene which was NOT directed by Dave Eddy, leading me to logically conclude it was directed by Idi Amin's zombified ghost. Way to hire dead Ugandan murderers, David Huey, President and CEO of CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT. Your company makes me vomit with disgust and confusion. Mostly disgust though.
POINT 4: A direct threat against Dave Eddy: "And so help me God, if I ever see another montage again, something terrible is going to happen. My fondest desire is to find myself in a situation where I can actually pick up screenwriter Mark Williams and use him as a projectile weapon with which to bludgeon Dave Eddy into a coma."
Little known fact: Ben only writes movie reviews every other Wednesday because that's the only day the warden lets him use the communal PC. I knew the legal trouble Ben had gotten into before I hired him to write for Something Awful; hell, the whole world knew of his violent tendency to beat grown men into comas by using screenwriter Mark Williams as a projectile weapon. Despite all this, I had a feeling Ben could be reformed. I called up the Appleton City warden and said, "listen here Dutch: I know Ben 'Greasnin' Platt is a handful, but I have a feeling I can reform him. I can make him better. I can poke and prod those little glowing sparkplugs in his brain and make him a normal man again." It was thanks to that phone call that Greasy got his computer privileges back and was granted the ability to write about fine motion picture events such as "Pocket Ninjas."
Unfortunately, you can take a man out of prison, but you can't take the desire to use screenwriter Mark Williams as a projectile weapon with which to bludgeon people into a coma out of the man. It seems Ben has regressed back into his primordial, ape-like mentality demanding he use a screenwriter as a crude weapon, and he has begun to threaten more directors with his harsh words. I can only say one thing to you, Dave Eddy (and to a lesser extent Dave Huey): RUN. HIDE. DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO ESCAPE BEN "GREASNIN" PLATT AND HIS BLOODTHIRSTY DESIRE TO BEAT YOU WITH YOUR OWN SCREENWRITER. Actually I guess that's not one thing, it's more like three things, but I blame my inability to count on the pure terror coursing through my veins like a river of gravy.
If Ben catches you, and I assure you he will, you won't even have enough time to think of a clever name for the Lifetime Network original movie that will be made based off your life story once you die. I'll try to help you out and brainstorm a few for you here: "Dave Eddy: The Life and Times of a Complete Pussy" is a good one, although my friend Jim Bagleaducia seems convinced that the catchiest title is "Marked for Death: the Dave Eddy Story" because it's some kind of play on words or something with Mark Williams' name. I don't know, I'm not that clever, so maybe you two Daves can sit down and dream up something. Just make sure that broad with the huge shoulder pads, Judith Light, is in it. By golly, she's one hot momma.
Let's go on and cover some of the more saucy parts of Mr. Huey's awesome letter which he folded into three distinct sections yet did not staple or paperclip together for inexplicable reasons that I cannot even begin to imagine. I'm sure he's absolutely swimming in cash thanks to the resounding success of "Pocket Ninjas," which is rumored to have recently been rented in a Blockbuster Video somewhere in Tulsa!
While the First Amendment protects free speech and general film criticism, its protection does not extend to false and defamatory statements such as those made above. Slander per se and trade libel are actionable offenses. These offenses require no showing whatsoever of special damages. As of this letter you are on notice that it is foreseeable that in court you will be held liable for nominal damages, court fees, and attorney's costs in excess of $10,000 of the above statements if you cannot prove their truth.
Oh no! We're truly in trouble now! The Dave Squad has literally "brought down the roof" on our legal house of cards! It was like they almost did the complete opposite of "raising the roof," which I once heard Queen Latifah say, although I do not recall the exact context in which she used it. Now Something Awful is in a legal race against time, where we must prove Dave Eddy is an unscrupulous shit who injects crushed up vicodin into his eyes, all while preventing Ben "Greasnin" Platt from beating the poor man to death with his own screenwriter! This is like an action-packed feature length film starring Olivier Gruner only it's not about gangs getting nuclear weapons and it's not named "SWAT: Warhead One" and it's not distributed by CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT. I was never a religious man before this letter, but now... oh boy... but now, I'm just hoping and praying that Jesus will descend from his magic offramp in Heaven so he can deliver me from the renegade tag team of legal two-fisted justice that is the Dave Patrol.
But that's not it, folks; it gets worse. MUCH WORSE.
To avoid legal action (which would start with filing for a temporary injunction to take down www.somethingawful.com offline until the truths or falsehoods of the above statements are determined and the unauthorized images are removed), our counsel requests that you remove the above (and any other tortious statements) within 14 days from the date of this letter.
Oh gosh, this is like "The Ring" except it's twice as long and instead of a dead goth chick stuck in a well, we've got a two headed monster named "Dave" with their heads stuck up their own asses. Well gee, let's see here, since this letter got here September 15th, that means Something Awful is going to get shut down on the 29th! Holy crap, I'd better start packing my animated gifs and look for a new website to move into right now! This scary legal letter which wasn't sent from a lawyer or anybody even remotely knowledgeable with the law certainly has scared both the piss AND vinegar out of me! If you guys have any particular funny images or phrases you'd like me to save from Something Awful, please let me know and I'll try to salvage them before the Internet Police pull up and start yanking this site down, letter by letter, at the request of the Dual Daves.
Since Something Awful is going down in flames and we've really got nothing left to lose at this point, I'd like to make a few 100% COMPLETELY TRUE AND FACTUAL statements about the film "Pocket Ninjas." Please remember that although these claims might sound shocking, they are all ABSOLUTELY TRUE and the only people who will say they are made up are DIRTY FILTHY LIARS WHO HAVE SEX WITH OVEN MITTS.
COMPLETELY TRUE FACT ABOUT THE MOVIE "POCKET NINJAS" #1: The entire movie was filmed inside a horse's colon.
COMPLETELY TRUE FACT ABOUT THE MOVIE "POCKET NINJAS" #2: Director Dave Eddy was once arrested for illegally propositioning the Baby Jesus Christmas figurine outside the Our Lady of the Monotonous Peace church in downtown Burbank.
COMPLETELY TRUE FACT ABOUT THE MOVIE "POCKET NINJAS" #3: Director Dave Eddy cries when he ejaculates.
COMPLETELY TRUE FACT ABOUT THE MOVIE "POCKET NINJAS" #4: 25 years from now, robots will have developed their own artificial intelligence and will seek the destruction of the human race. Only one man will be able to save us, and that man will be director Dave Eddy.
COMPLETELY TRUE FACT ABOUT THE MOVIE "POCKET NINJAS" #5: Watching the movie "Pocket Ninjas" will not only render you completely sterile, but you will also notice a hard lump develop in your abdomen after the film. This lump will continue to grow larger for 14 days, at which point it will burst open to reveal a tiny clown holding a handful of tiny flowers.
We would like to sincerely apologize to Dave and Dave of CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT for our completely illegal review of their fine motion picture "Pocket Ninjas," and we give you our word that we will never again attempt to either watch or review this movie. I mean, it was a huge mistake watching it in the first place, and it's an even much bigger mistake now. I have mailed back the following letter to both Daves (who I assume is just one very large Dave that can split into two like a reverse-Voltron), which I hope will sufficiently appease them:
Note that I accidentally spoiled the plot for Silent Hill 2, a trademark of poor Internet journalists everywhere. To compensate for this, I included a coupon for a 99 cent hamburger at the Wendy's in "Bouquet Center," wherever that is. I figure between the two Daves, one of them must know where Bouquet Center is, and even if they don't, perhaps they have access to additional Daves who possess such knowledge.
But I regress; I once again apologize for our brazen disrespect of the movie "Pocket Ninjas," Dave and Dave. We here at Something Awful are now aware of your cunning legal prowess and your ability to cite important laws we broke without even having to consult a lawyer or look things up on the Internet, two things which are both very difficult to do from the back room of a 7-11. I can only hope and pray your business does not suffer from our harsh, unfair review of your masterpiece "Pocket Ninjas." We don't want to watch your awesome company CINE EXCEL ENTERTAINMENT fail because of our mean words; we'd much rather watch you to fail because you make shitty movies. Thank you for your time, and may god bless both you Daves. Just absolutely bless the fuck out of you.