RealCoach: Know Your Coach
On the chart of male relationships, nestled somewhere among dad, dad's friend, friend's dad, new dad, trucker, and old guy that is somehow your friend lies the human coach. A prestigious posting, shrouded in mystery yet revered by all mankind. That is, until today.
A bogus coach with equally fake checks who scammed three McDonalds restaurants last week is being sought by state police.
The scheme has been used at three McDonalds stores, in Grove City, Titusville and Warren, police said.
The man, driving a "school styled" bus on Friday entered the Warren restaurant claiming he was a basketball coach. He ordered $50 worth of food for his team, police said.
He paid for the order with a $150 check and got his change in cash.
The check had been provided by "the school district," police said. But the draft was, in fact, not valid.
Our collective trust has been again broken by a disingenuous scalawag who thinks coaching is a joke, a toy to be played with. It's time once more to go over the RealCoach list of coach basics.
- Instead of a standard whistle, a fake coach may tie around his neck a small bird or a cheeto. Fake coaches do not know where to buy whistles or if they even make them anymore.
- The fake coach knows nothing about men's health. Begin asking questions about controlling underarm odor or subtly quiz your coach by telling him you accidentally slammed your balls into a silverware drawer. If he isn't able to immediately produce literature (either from his pocket or by running out to his car) that's a bogus coach!
- Fake coaches aren't able to comprehend their own reflection.
- Stun a fake coach by going long for a pass and then catching a small meteor. A real coach would have known you had it in you.
- A real coach is never above throwing his clipboard down and stomping on it.
- Real coaches cannot shriek.
- The polo shirt is the real coach's best friend. The suit is the coach's other friend who goes to player funerals and award ceremonies. The coach's third friend is the pair of jorts with paint stains which comes around the day after coach sleeps in his truck.
- Observe carefully: The "projector" your so-called coach is trying to show you a health film on is actually a mural, and his "TV remote" is actually just him throwing trash at the mural.
- Every real coach has a rival coach, so ask about his rival. Fake coaches will not have one, or will have some silly conceptual rival such as "a lack of hustle out there" or "time". News flash: time is not your rival unless your name is "space".
- Real coaches have daydreamed about constructing a football of a new exotic alloy that, when thrown in a perfect spiral, does not suffer from the effects of the earth's gravity, and escapes the atmosphere on a course for the sun. As it falls into the sun's gravity well, a scientist discovers that the football will survive the intense heat and pressure of the star and disrupt its inner workings. Hastily, another is constructed and thrown at the first one in an effort to prevent the fiery, cataclysmic collision. This daydream continues until the fat kids are all tired and satisfied and he can put the good players back into the game.
- When a fake coach dies he turns into a pile of leaves that is blown away in the wind, which then reforms into the shape of a watching gargoyle on the cliffs above, but only for a moment before blowing away again.
If you encounter a fake coach, do NOT attempt to lull the fake coach into a false sense of security by hustling at whatever it is you are currently doing. This will only serve to enrage the coach. Find cover, but do not attempt to light signal fires. Wait patiently for assistance or for a bell to ring.