Tips and Tricks, Vol. 2
Roughly sixty years ago, give or take sixty years, I offered some unsolicited advice to you, my cold, distant, and faceless Internet friends. I'm pretty sure this information was extremely beneficial, and most likely helped a lot of people out. As part of my ongoing effort to improve the human condition, I humbly offer to you this second batch of valuable tips and tricks certain to save you time, money, and dignity. With any luck, they may even improve your health.
- A great way to get back at a museum curator who wronged you is to toilet paper his dinosaur skeletons.
- "Children are the future" is a common saying we've all heard a million times before. Basically, what it means is that the future is small and easy to beat up.
- In space no one can hear you scream, but that is mostly because you are suffocating to death for opening your stupid mouth in a vacuum. If you really want to get the point across, tape record yourself screaming and play that in space instead.
- Most newspaper editors falsely assume the two best kinds of stories to run are ones about elephants going on rampages and politicians getting caught red handed. In truth the best kinds of stories to run are ones about fat people getting their comeuppance.
- If you accidentally kill the world's oldest living tortoise, the best thing you can do is just be honest. Most people will feel kind of sorry for you. They'll say, "He was old and it was only a matter of time. It wasn't really your fault." And by being honest I mean tell them everything except for the part where you snorted cocaine off its shell and then threw it off a balcony in a fit of madness.
- Always plan for the unexpected, especially if you see it coming from a mile away.
- You can enjoy all the fresh sushi you want for free by simply constructing a salmon ladder in your backyard.
- A pig's orneriness can be correctly gauged by observing the number of coils in its tail. The more coils, the more ornery the pig.
- People won't be calling you stupid for carrying around a suitcase full of meat when your plane crashes in the Andes, but they will call you stupid for not bringing a change of underwear.
- If you save a man's life, he has to be your butler for a year. If you save a butler's life, you have to marry him. Consider that before being so goddamn heroic all the time.
- The most valuable gift an adult can give a child is knowledge. In particular, the knowledge of how to rob banks successfully.
- Hide combs in various places around town. That way, if you are out and about and your hair gets messed up, you won't have to travel far to set things right.
- Always remember that you deserve happiness, even if you have to pry it out of the cold, dead hands of everyone around you.
- Always tip your hat at ladies. If you're not wearing a hat, gesture as though you are wearing an invisible hat. They will appreciate the sentiment.
- There is no more foolish a person than a small child. This makes them ideal targets for predatory lending and pyramid schemes.
- The greatest possible scientific invention is a small electronic box that gives dogs the ability to sing followed closely by a ghost car that lets you drive through houses and other cars without colliding. The worst possible scientific invention is a sweater that forever traps its wearer in the 1980s. If you are a scientist, why not give that some thought???
- No matter where you are, it is always the same distance to the moon as it is to Chicago, Illinois.
- If you are driving a van filled with plundered sea sponges and you get stopped by the police, the best thing to do is tell them that your van was wrongly turned into an artificial reef and you are reclaiming it. If you act indignant enough about it, they will probably give you a break and just let you go.
- If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to juggle, he will be happy. At least up until he gets hungry for a tasty fish again, but by then you will be long gone.
Aside from my wisdom, I have little else to offer. I trust that it will be enough to keep you safe and ahead of the curve.