Another winter has come and gone, depositing us at the outset of spring drowsy-eyed and with a few extra pounds around our waists from holiday feasts and holiday reverse-liposuctions. This time of year may feel like the cloudy transition from the end of a good long sleep to your first cup of coffee and the realization that you've just put the milk in the cabinet, but it is also a time when we must be more vigilant than ever. Whether we're ready or not, April 13th marks the beginning of Blue Whale season.

Over the next three weeks, the largest creatures on Earth will be drawn to mankind's most expansive metropolises - New York, Los Angeles, London, Paris, Tokyo, Metropolis - and generally make themselves a total nuisance. While most the whales' antics can be labeled as merely annoying, there is the very real risk of injury or death if you don't keep your wits about you at all times.

Print out these tidbits of blue whale knowledge. Study them. Keep them with you. They may just save your life, especially if you fold them up into the pages of a bible and keep it in a pocket over your heart, saving your life when someone with really good aim tries to execute you by shooting you in the heart instead of your head.


– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.