Farmers Only founder Jerry Miller claims America breaks down into two groups: City slickers whose lives "revolve around four-dollar cups of coffee, taxi cabs, blue suits, high heels, conference rooms, and getting ahead at all costs in the corporate world," and salt-of-the-earth heroes who "enjoy blue skies, wide-open spaces, raising animals, appreciating nature and truly understand the meaning of Southern hospitality." The site's TV commercials elaborate on the dichotomy. City dwellers: fast-paced, two-faced, pierced, tattooed, cross-eyed, crazy. Rural folk: apple-eaters, line-dancers, loving companions to all talking animals.

The typical Farmers Only woman loves "huntin', fishin' ridin' and muddin'," and she's not about to "suger coat" anything for some city dude's sissy feelings. Farmers Only guys just need "a pig in my blanket" or a FEMALE TRACTORPULLER. Apparently city folks and old-fashioned farmers have at least one thing in common: The tendency to create dating-site profiles rife with misspellings, dubious claims and ridiculously posed photos.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.