Farmers Only founder Jerry Miller claims America breaks down into two groups: City slickers whose lives "revolve around four-dollar cups of coffee, taxi cabs, blue suits, high heels, conference rooms, and getting ahead at all costs in the corporate world," and salt-of-the-earth heroes who "enjoy blue skies, wide-open spaces, raising animals, appreciating nature and truly understand the meaning of Southern hospitality." The site's TV commercials elaborate on the dichotomy. City dwellers: fast-paced, two-faced, pierced, tattooed, cross-eyed, crazy. Rural folk: apple-eaters, line-dancers, loving companions to all talking animals.
The typical Farmers Only woman loves "huntin', fishin' ridin' and muddin'," and she's not about to "suger coat" anything for some city dude's sissy feelings. Farmers Only guys just need "a pig in my blanket" or a FEMALE TRACTORPULLER. Apparently city folks and old-fashioned farmers have at least one thing in common: The tendency to create dating-site profiles rife with misspellings, dubious claims and ridiculously posed photos.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.