State Og Thanksgiving Update: 11.24.02
Time For the Giving of the Thanks
This week looks to be a fun and festive time full of holiday cheer, so naturally State Og has snapped into action and added various other "f" words to help describe this Thanksgiving. Our offices across the globe have gathered together in order to provide you, the consume, with a celebration you'll never forget! A special thanks goes out to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Franklin Plains, Wyoming), Gary "Gary Morris" Morris (The Demilitarized Zone Above the 44th Parallel), Andrew "Aleldtritch" LaFica (Manchester, Nevada), Slats "Hightower" Cassidy (El Lobster Falls, North Dakota), Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Loco Crossing, California), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Gulag, Russia), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Lincoln Hills, Maryland), and Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (Peaceful Wind, Utah).
Opportunity: The Feast of Kings!
What's the true meaning of Thanksgiving? Well, if you ask us at State Og, we can answer with one word: Opportunity. Opportunity was the reason why the Pilgrims left the European Union and searched the seven seas with Sinbad, and the reason why they found just the right people to trick into taking their cursed magic items off their hands, such as the Blanket of Pestilence and the Beads of Consistent Saving Throw Failure. And in the end, what these pioneers found wasn't just a bunch of chumps and suckers, but a whole untamed land packed between Canada and Mexico, like a stuffed turkey stuffed with amber waves of even more opportunity.
We at State Og would like to start a new holiday tradition called "The Golden Opportunity of Thanksgiving Festival," which takes place after the third hour of Thanksgiving. It is at this time when we encourage people to celebrate in the true spirit of these noble pilgrims by realizing the opportunity at hand, and to personally annex or capture the real-estate of any individual or family in your neighborhood which the residents are out of town, inadequately armed, or unable to stop you for whatever reason. The day for this is Thanksgiving, because that's the day of opportunity. The hour is three past midnight, because that's when most people are asleep and their guard is down.
After you are victorious and have claimed someone else's home as your own, you may find yourself in a position where you have captured one or more "holiday guests." You should at least have the courtesy to insist that your conquered ex-neighbor(s) live in one of your (formerly their) closets. Of course, only allow them in the closet if it has no valuable materials or items in it. If the closet features any luxurious amenities, such as carpeting or a light, and you don't feel like removing them, consider letting your guest live in a cupboard under a bathroom sink. Regardless of their new home, don't forget to toss in six or seven dozen breeding-pairs of hobo spiders before nailing the door shut.
At this point in the festival, some type of tropical punch is served.
Fun N' Games!
We've got a ton of fun and / or games planned this holiday season guaranteed to make you say "help, please stop, you're killing me" in joy!
State Og celebrates our Puritan ancestry with festive costumes and decoration, culminating with an old fashioned witch hunt! Experience the exhilaration that comes with mass hysteria as you help drag members of the secretarial pool to the Olde Towne Hall for a mock mock trial! A panel made up of event organizers will authentically cast accusations of Devil worship without any form of proof or accountability before finding the ladies guilty of witchcraft. Everyone can get in on the fun, so bring the kids to throw insults and stones / grenades at the witches.
From there it's a short, scenic walk to the Town Square, where the annual stake burning gets underway. No, not the steak burning, that's for weekend gourmet Al Malenko in Accounting to do at his BBQs! Just kidding, Al! The stake burning is of course the process of tying the witches to posts and burning them alive. This being 21st century America, we no longer engage in that kind of barbarism, so the witches will be humanely disemboweled with pitchforks before lighting the pyre. Marshmallows will be supplied, and we must ask all visitors to refrain from flash photography.
As is tradition, the annual State Og "Thanksgiving Dash" will take place in the artificial tar pits maintained year-round by our staff of groundskeepers / witches. Contestants will strap on the official "Thanksgiving Backpack," consisting of an opened, upside-down, ten gallon tank of kerosene tied onto a rope, and "dash" for the finish line at the end of the seven mile course. After the first "dasher" reaches the "Encouragement Tunnel" located twelve feet from the starting line, judges will ignite the "Trails of Kerosene" left behind each contestant, immediately crowd into the luxurious "Judge Wagon," and flee the state. The winner of the "dash" will be the "dasher" with the face that has least "melted off."
The State Og Thanksgiving Dash is open only to children ages 2-4.
We are looking for fast, healthy young men and women to compete against each other in our Handicapped Benefit Races. The winner will be decided upon as whomever beats their handicapped opponent by the most time. If your handicapped opponent happens to win then they will be injected with a dose of Paralysis-B-Gone.* If you win then you will be injected with a dose of Paralysis-B-Gone.**
* Paralysis-B-Gone does not cure paralysis.
** Paralysis-B-Gone may cause paralysis.
You definitely won't want to miss the Thanksgiving Oglympics! We'll get the ball and five lucky participants chosen at random rolling with the edge-of-your-seat competition of the Sack Race. After a deep-tissue bat massage, we'll be throwing the competitors in sacks and racing them right off the side of Petersberg Gorge. Start practicing now, because the first man to hit the bottom with a sickening wet thud gets a $5 dollar gift certificate to The Olde Towne Tumor & Toffy Emporium* somewhere off of Route 7! Make sure not to fill up on snacks or you might get a cramp during the 400 meter Moan & Crawl immediately following the Sack Race and take all the challenge out of the Precision Boulder-Flinging Tournament.
Sadly, the Three-legged Race - always a crowd pleaser - has been cancelled this year due to the daring escape from the mutant bins just last month. With only two mutants not breeding a hellish army of tripedal doom in the sewers, it wouldn't be a very good race. You'll just have to wait until next year unless you happen to be one of the many maimed and killed this year. Other games on the agenda include Bobbing for Mercy, Catch the Hatchet, Who Ate the Poison Yams?, Red Rover, and our personal favorite, "Ow! Ow! For the love of God, why are you doing this to me?"
* Expires 12/97. Not valid for purchase of toffy.
If you are ready to be entertained and relaxed then you may enjoy sitting back with some ice cream and listening to soothing music. We have three ice cream flavors: rust, sharp, and plastic. The band playing will be the critically-acclaimed "Whales Trapped in an Incredibly Small Aquarium," which gets its unique name from the fact that they are whales trapped in an incredibly small aquarium. Microphones will be attached to the sides of the tank so that you can hear them communicate. Don't worry if you can't understand the whale's language; the State Og scientists have been researching whales for years and will be able to translate most of the words for you. Our research team has already figured out how whales say "why are you doing this to me?", "no! Not my baby!", "I'll get you," and other similar phrases.
Time For Traveling!
Pending the return of the test crew, this year's guests will be entitled to a special adventure through time... to the first Thanksgiving! There they will enjoy a traditional meal and witness the events that molded this nation. Since every action taken in the past may cause the present world to change, all employees will be required to dress in historical garb and leave all technology of the present behind. Any traveler who breaks these rules or offers the precious secrets of the future to an Indian chief in exchange for his beautiful daughter, will be immediately accused of witchcraft and hung at the nearest gallows.
Update: Due to a slight problem the test crew encountered, the time traveling has been indefinitely postponed. Also, if you encounter anyone that appears to be dressed like an Indian, be warned; they are not employees festively dressed in celebration of Thanksgiving. Do not attempt to engage them in communication or contact of any kind, just locate the nearest security guard. Furthermore, instead of meeting your loved ones in the lobby, would the families of the employees in Recon Team-A2 please report to the Family Crisis center, which is located in the Critical wing of State Og's hospital, right before the morgue.
The Gift of Giving
Each Thanksgiving, as we give thanks to the God we don't believe in, we neglect to think about the poor and needy. This is where State Og and your money comes in. Every ten dollars you donate will go partially towards the purchase of a bottle of cheap wine. For an additional five dollars, we'll write "State Og" on the label with a Magic Marker, so those lucky ingrates can know who to thank. Bottles in hand, we will cover the area in search of homeless men and / or women and / or kids with which we can impart the greatest gift of all upon: the gift of giving. The form in which this gift comes is a blow to the head by one of the aforementioned bottles. If, for some reason, you decide to be a greedy asshole and not donate, we can always use our fists or other things we may have on hand.
As we all know, the Indians welcomed our ancestors into this new land and helped us to survive the first winter. Then, the following year when the pilgrims had grown fat enough, the savage Indians attacked the completely innocent settlers and tried to eat them all, sometimes beginning to eat before they remembered to kill them. These zombie indians were valiantly forced into reservations, where we now keep them under close watch to this day, mindful of their lust for our brains.
Shortly after the pep speech by our cloaked and mysterious leader and the mandatory bikini waxing, we will group together and lead a "historical mock invasion" on the local Peaceful Badger Indian reservation, "killing" the entire village while "they sleep". Buckets of sulfuric acid and high power laser-sighted sniper rifles will be handed out, just like the ones they used in colonial days! The night will end with an employee in our Ninja Division sneaking into O.J. Simpson's house and returning the now bloody gloves which we stole from him earlier this week, and an anonymous call to the authorities.
You WILL Be Thankful!
As much as the average American has to give thanks for, State Og wishes to push the holiday spirit to the max. We feel that nobody is more thankful than when they've just escaped the icy clutches of Death, or as we call Him, Lord of All That is Impure. That's why, at great expense, we've arranged for random artillery shellings all over the country! Just think of how much more thankful you will be after having just seen Aunt Minnie get her legs blown of while peeling potatoes! Also, one in every five dud shells will open up when struck to reveal a delicious feast with all the fixings. Mmmmm, just like mom used to make before she was killed by a heavy piece of metal falling from the sky!
And the Thanksgiving cheer doesn't stop there! Official State Og shock troops will be roaming the countryside giving out brutal beatings, vicious stabbings and fabulous prizes to anybody lucky enough to be in their path. What kind of fabulous prizes, you ask? Well, that's a secret, but it rhymes with "fanthrax". Good luck!