This week: The State Og Empowerment Seminar!

State Og Empowerment Seminar!

We here at State Og are very concerned about our employees. As the number of product malfunctions increases, the number of sane and healthy employees decreases, so we must take good care of our remaining workers until the day comes when they too accidentally fall into the Open-Pit Hell Mouth(tm) furnace vent in the center of the cafeteria.

One of our top concerns is employee empowerment, so we recently enlisted the help of everyone's favorite pseudo-psychologist, Dr. Fred Malalavich, to give our employees a much-needed lesson in productivity, sensitivity, and assertiveness.

"No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering."

Part 1: Cheering up your workers.

To improve morale and keep employees from noticing the antiseptic, paper-choked hell in which they've been eternally imprisoned, try to cheer them up with humorous fun and antics. A TV monitor constantly showing "Charles in Charge"' and various snuff videos should be enough to make your workplace a steamroller of productivity, but if that doesn't work, there are other options.

A very simple method of morale improvement is to play music in the office. Make sure it's appropriate to the current mood of the day- for example, the sounds of shrieking howler monkeys, Necronomicon chanting, and gutbucket-banjo combinations should be played in the morning, while jet-engine test recordings and the music of Cannibal Corpse are suitable for later in the day.

Hire Jerry Seinfeld to make uproarious observations about everyday events. If this fails to amuse your staff, have him executed.

Happiness is often more potent when artificially induced. Try pouring nitrous oxide into the air circulation vents.

Everyone loves puppies. Dangle one from a rope in the employee lounge. This is more effective if you include a sign saying "THIS COULD BE YOU".

Part 2: Avoiding conflict.

One of the chief losses in productivity stems from employee conflict; conflict that can always (meaning "sometimes") be resolved peacefully. Here are a few simple reminders to help you deal properly with employee conflict, many of which do not involve rending your foe asunder with your incredible psychic powers:

Hold your breath and count to five before speaking. This will help you calm down and focus your anger, possibly into a fireball which you can fling from your hands.

When arguing with another employee, it helps if you distance yourself and view the situation through your coworker's eyes. Note: This does not mean tearing out their eyeballs and attempting to stuff them into your own empty sockets. Middle-manager Ted Feiber, we're talking to you.

Number three was removed by order of the federal government, who are strongly against the idea of growing your own anthrax spores, to say nothing of sprinkling them on the napkins in your employee lounge.

Yakuza assassin Bob Karohashi is often available to settle employee conflict at a low low price!

More State Og

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.