Sometimes people will tell children "stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!" This seems like a strange, self-perpetuating way to treat the crying problem, but whatever. So, you have this wailing toddler, and you tell it "stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about," and then you show it this update, which features bad-ass tots doing bad-ass shit. And the kid cries even harder, and this is totally because it feels shamed by its peers' exploits and not at all because you are failing to address some other physical reason for its original outburst!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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