December 4, 2012
Wearing my ample bottom jeans.
- Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) November 30, 2012
i FIRMLY believe that beloved Super NES luminary "Funky Kong" woul choose Netflix over Hulu , in any Fucking universe you can throw at me
- wint (@dril) November 30, 2012
Keep in mind the mall Santa has a human dick.
- Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 30, 2012
If being a good mom means things like: eats corn straight out of can, drinks a lot, is scared of mailmen... then YES I would be a good mom.
- Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) November 30, 2012
When I see women with really long hair I think "have you never been through a break up?"
- Susan Burke (@ThatSusanBurke) November 29, 2012
Just found out the hard way that you are not allowed at The Grove until you answer Mario Lopez's three riddles.
- Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 28, 2012
I'm unfollowing the guy who only tweets when Lindsay Lohan gets arrested. He tweets too much.
- Eli Braden (@EliBraden) November 29, 2012
I'm so drunk right now I'm strongly considering recording a new solo album.
- Richard Marx (@richardmarx) November 29, 2012
Look officer, I commit like a boatload of crimes every single day so you're going to have to be a lot more specific.
- Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) November 28, 2012
I want to go to Moon so I can see the Big Blue Earth send me up there in a rocket ship with A good cam
- Brian(@beebee880) November 28, 2012
"How can I help you sir" "Small flavor fettuccine alfredo" "Sir we only serve ice cream here" "Spaghetti and da meataball" "Sir please"
- Lindsay (@quintywinties) November 27, 2012
Twas I who pooed the quilt grandmother
- Gregory the Grape (@leducviolet) November 27, 2012
my gay ass 11 year old son doesnt want to breast feed anymore. whatever... more titty suckin for me
- deg (@degg) November 27, 2012
Describe myself in one sentence? Well, I'm a divorced man who asked his parents for two PokeMon games this Christmas.
- Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) November 27, 2012
i don't think i've made eye contact with anyone in like 3 years
- lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 26, 2012
Observe as the nurturing father Bro regurgitates his protein shake into the eager maw of his brood. Soon they will be Jacked as Fuck
- et tu, Brote? (@JucheMane) November 26, 2012
Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
- Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) November 26, 2012
Sometimes I feel like I'm getting really good at meditation, and then I realize I'm thinking about biscuits.
- Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) November 26, 2012
hey @chrisbrown. baby, come on back to twitter. you know we didn't mean it. we get passionate because we love you so much. we need you.
- Hermit Thrush (@Hermit_Thrush) November 26, 2012
NO SIRI - don't 'look up' "my ass", LOOK UP MY ASS
- Andrew Bridgsanta (@AndyBridgman) November 26, 2012
The "I can't stop picking my scabs" woman from My Strange Addiction is married. Lets all reflect on our lives together.
- Samantha Borg (@ZfinWahdu) November 26, 2012
I never carry a purse because I would only fill it with snacks and I would be so afraid that someone would mug me and steal my snacks.
- Tracy Marquez (@tracy_marq) November 26, 2012
FUCK OFF KONY
- Jerry Beans (@dogboner) November 26, 2012
everybody thinks im going to pull a dildo out of this long tube architects keep blueprints in but im not.. *pulls out blueprints of a dildo*
- deg (@degg) November 26, 2012
*sees a woman acting obnoxious* hahah shes obviously compensating for a small pussy.. just a straight line downtown no good flaps
- Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) November 26, 2012
Once I met a macrobiotic couple who called walnuts "Walls." I hope they are both dead
- Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) November 25, 2012
owl city tweeted about dr who and homestuck which tells me everything i need to know about owl city, dr who, and homestuck.
- DrTeens247 (@DrTeens247) November 25, 2012
According to the documents in my neighbor's trash, I'm a "stalker"
- Megan Amram (@meganamram) November 25, 2012
honeymoon? sorry, last thing im fucking with is space bees
- CoolBabyRat (@CoolBabyRat) November 25, 2012
fav this tweet if i should take a shit on new year's eve at the stroke of midnightlike i did at the turn of the millennium :D
- Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) November 25, 2012
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