Zack: Alright, if Mitch is not going to have satisfaction with locally-sourced goodies, he will reluctantly ride on somebody's lap out to the Gamwell estate belonging to Mr. Cornthwaite.
Steve: Before handing over the keys to the estate, the Dodge brothers request that you do not damage the property and if you must do any extensive digging to contact them for permission beforehand.
Zack: I assure them that if any rooms need to be dynamited my father will certainly pay for any renovations.
Steve: You arrive at the estate a few miles outside of Gamwell. It is a pleasant, if decrepit building, well-constructed, but now overgrown with ivy. The porch looks like it has seen better days and the landscaping looks forgotten. There is a circular drive just outside the entrance and there is a man in a police uniform standing beside an automobile. He is holding a shotgun.
Zack: "Let me handle this," I tell the others and hop down out of the circus truck. I approach constable.
Steve: "I didn't know the circus was in town," says the sheriff and he spits off to the side. "Where are all the animals?"
Zack: "Looks to me that there is an animal right here in Gamwell. Wearing a sheriff's uniform. I mean you, by the way."
Steve: "Someone oughta smack the attitude right out of your mouth. Let me talk to a grownup."
Zack: "You'll be talking to the supreme court of Massachusetts if you keep threatening violence on me." I take a deep breath to contain my anger so that I do no throw one of my infamous Mitch tantrums. "Now listen here, we are investigators brought on to locate Mr. Cornthwaite. We believe he may be inside or on the grounds somewhere."
Steve: "I'm Sheriff Whitford and I'm the sheriff around these parts and I do all the finding of missing people. Even at a cursed address like the Fitzgerald house."
Zack: "Am I to assume by your random insertion of unrelated information you are about to regale us with the history of this property?"
Steve: He spits again. "I was fixin' to, but since you put it like that, nope. I'm not going to. But mind you, animals and people have been going missing in these parts. There's a horse that disappeared just last week."
Zack: I knew it! It has to be somewhere inside!
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.