Steve: I probably should have included this in the original info. There's also a newspaper clipping about Arthur Cornthwaite.
Zack: Alright well that newspaper clipping says these Dodge guys were the last people to see him. I instruct Karnov to hoist me onto his shoulders and we will go meet with the Dodge Brothers.
Steve: The Dodge Brothers have an office in the small downtown area of Gamwell. The three men look very similar to one another and each man is wearing a plain gray suit. They seem surprised to see so many people since they only sent a letter to you.
Zack: "I apologize. As a man of some means it is my burden to deal with the constant presence of hangers-on." I motion for Karnov to place me down somewhere respectable. Perhaps atop an overstuffed chair or near a giant wooden globe.
Steve: "Here you go," says Karnov, placing you on the desk of the attorneys.
Zack: I will begin our investigation by interrogating the Dodge triplets on the subject of Mr. Cornthwaite. In what capacity did they advise him?
Steve: They are not triplets, just brothers. "We were his attorneys and financial managers," answers Reginald Dodge. "Since his disappearance we have been overseeing everything. We are concerned that he might be missing somewhere on his property in Gamwell. We have keys."
Zack: Before they hustle us off to his mansion I want to see this financial information.
Steve: They reluctantly produce a thick ledger containing his recent financial transactions.
Zack: Mitch Nestle has no skills whatsoever so I will set your Wayne Poppins to the task of finding out what he can about our missing millionaire. While he is doing that I will inquire about local candy shops and providers of military miniatures and dioramas.
Steve: Cornthwaite, being a man who considers himself an archaeologist, traveled the globe. His most recent trip was to south America. About two years prior. Since his return, his largest financial transaction was the recent arrangement to purchase an entire dump truck full of salt.
Zack: What about the candy?
Steve: There are no specialty candy shops in Gamwell, but the local pharmacy does sell a small variety of candies by weight.
Zack: Good. I will dispatch Chang the Celestial to travel to the pharmacy and purchase me one hundred pounds of lemon candies.
Steve: They only have those peanut butter Halloween candies that are like taffy wrapped up in orange and black wrappers.
Zack: I would rather be dead than eat that type of candy. If Chang returned hauling a bag of this variety I will instruct him to dump it in the street so that mules and tractors can crush it and attract an epidemic of rats to the area.
Steve: Wayne Poppins asks Reginald about the salt truck. He explains that it was difficult to arrange so much salt and when they lost contact with Mr. Cornthwaite they decided to put the shipment on hold.Zack: Very well. I command them to complete this salt truck business and bring the salt to his mansion, where we will be staying in the finest quarters until we can either locate Arthur or confirm his death.I will also ask them to telegram my man in Miskatonic with instructions to send up a dump truck filled with sugar.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.