In the previous installment of WTF, D&D!?, Steve took Zack on a wild adventure into the Hyborian Age with the Conan-themed D&D module, "Conan: Unchained!" Playing as Nestor the Gunderman, well-groomed friend of Conan, Zack found himself captured by kozaki nomads, fought to the death for their amusement, and agreed to help a disguised princess called Amrastisi escape from the kozaki harem out of fear of being caught by the wizard Bhir-Vedi. Like you, Nestor the Gunderman doesn't really know what the hell is going on in this adventure, but as we rejoin the action he is helping Amrastisi escape.
Steve: Alright, do you promise to play more serious this time?
Zack: Yes. Nestor, favored son of Gunt, promises to uphold the honor of his great nation. I will save Costco Ashtray from the evil wizard Barn Yeti.Steve: Amrastisi escaped from Bhir-Vedi across the Vilayet Sea, but she fears he has tracked her to the kozaki.
Zack: And the kozakis put my face peel made out of snake babies into a soup or something. My split end cream is on a sandwich. All of my product is gone. Nestor is getting frizzy.
Steve: Amrastisi frees you from your shackles and begins sneaking towards the horses.
Zack: Nestor don't sneak.
Steve: What are you doing?Zack: I am strutting to the horses. If anyone tries to stop me I impale them on my withering gaze of "JUST. DON'T. GO. THERE."
Steve: You and Amrastisi steal horses and escape into the desert.
Zack: How many miles to Gunt?
Steve: You are far from Gund. It is two days ride to the Vilayet sea. Three days to the nearest Tauranian outpost.
Zack: I ask Asti Spumante if she knows where the nearest Sally Beauty Supply is.Steve: "There is a trading post not very far from here. You may be able to purchase a circlet or a pelt there."
Zack: Just what Nestor needs, a headband and a stinky lizard skin to cover up his majestic mane.
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Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.